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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 6/13/2011

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WE WILL SAY THIS ABOUT JIMBO FISHER: HE HAS A STRONG MANICURE GAME.

Most coaching ads involving a jewelry store feature a coach either seconds from sleep or openly pleading with the camera for a swift death, so give a huzzah to Jimbo Fisher for soldiering through this ad with some real verve and lack of open despair. We've been jewelry shopping twice in our lives, and both times it made us want to stand on the muffin monster and let gravity do its work.

And please: RESPECT THE MANICURE GAME.

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The real friction wasn't between Jimbo and Bobby. It was between Ann Bowden and Candi's nails, because just look at that fierce cuticle work there. Nary a hangnail, no liver spots, OH IF SHE ONLY KNEW HOW THE ENVY BURNED IN ANN BOWDEN'S HEART. "Ha, women are stupid."---Bobby Bowden. 

WRECKAGE, MIDWESTERN SURVEY. Let's just assume that if a local funeral parlor offered Terrelle Pryor a few free coffins just in case during his stay at Ohio State, then you will find in Pryor's apartment not only unused coffins, but an idiotically written receipt reading "improperly given benefits for one Terrelle Pryor from the Art Schlicter Funeral Home. Schlicter Funeral Homes: We'll give you one in one odds of your satisfaction!" Read that ESPN article by Mike Fish and you will see that while bloggers with substantial audiences and social media presences are routinely turned down for press passes by schools, sketch-ass Dennis Talbott had a media pass from Ohio State. Because there are standards. [nods]

Gordon Gee also felt the need to point out that this was all temporary at Ohio State's graduation, boldly defying the PR wisdom that you shouldn't mention things that discredit you publicly and could get you fired. (Bold, sir.) Please, stop digging and finding other tiny but sordid fringe benefits of being a football player in Columbus, and people may stop writing HURRPD DDDDDURR about this. (You're killing the sport! The sport whose ratings keep climbing and whose revenue keeps skyrocketing! Yup!)

WRECKAGE, MID-APPLACHIAN SURVEY.  Generic boilerplate about how they'll miss Stewart, and a guide on how not to arrange a successful coach-in-waiting from Andy Staples. This. THIIIIIIIS:

...Rich Brooks didn't need to be Kentucky's football coach to feel like a man.


Shit, Rich Brooks doesn't need feelings to feel like a man. Feelings are just the whimpering noise your heart makes when you strangle it yourself to get on with the business of living. Then you have a bourbon. Then you look out the window. If you're lucky, you have another bourbon.

WE IN THE SEC HAVE CONSULTANTS TO HELP YOU AVOID THIS. Wisconsin, come on, it's not that hard. Dye and Sherrill, an influential consultancy out of Birmingham, AL, would be all too happy to assist in this case for a very reasonable fee.*

*A crate of dynamite, $583 in casino chips, and some thirty-aught-six ammo, to be exact. Bottle of bourbon wouldn't hurt, either. 

NO, HE DOES HATE HOUSTON NUTT, WE'RE ALL BUT CERTAIN OF THIS. Mike Slive will pass the "Anything Houston Nutt Does Ever" rule next year, banning that thing Houston Nutt does forever. Which one? All of them, because Mike Slive openly wishes Nutt were coaching an indoor football team in hell.

DON'T DO IT TOO SOON PARTNER RECONSIDER READ SOME LITERATURE. Aww, you crazy kids.

RIP, GODFREY MYLES. A very underrated linebacker bridging the Galen Hall and Steve Spurrier eras at Florida shuffles far too soon off this mortal coil.

AFTER THE JUMP: MORE FREEKERY. You broke his heart, Bill. You broke his heart.

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