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This may be as close as you will get to watching Gus Johnson call a matchup involving a Bulldog for a while. Read on.



OHHH MYYYY GUS JOHNSON HERE. WELCOME to you never getting to hear the realization of one of our fondest pipe dream scenarios, that of Gustavus Johnson, America's most beloved Tourette's patient and announcer, calling an SEC conference game on CBS. Mr. Johnson and the Tiffany Network could not reach an agreement on his current contract, and thus the bellow-lunged announcer WHO WAS BORN TO CALL A FOOTBALL GAME COACHED BY LES MILES DAMMIT will move on to pursue other opportunities.

(We had this all cued up: Verne eventually retires, Gus takes over, and then BOOM TIME commenced.)

Those opportunities may include covering college football for Fox, continuing Larry Scott's week of cash fountains and making epic statements in front of awesomeballs backdrops. Johnson joining Fox's college coverage would by definition be incalculable since their current coverage contains zero value, and Gus has "X" given value, and now we're into why this makes such sense for Fox because even they know how hard they suck at broadcasting college football.* 

There is also the growing likelihood that Petros Papadakis will be paired with someone who will make him look reasonable at times. Life is all about context.

Jim Nantz undoubtedly chuckled at this news while sitting at a wooden conference table with bloated plutocrats, and then toasted the steep decline in CBS' youth ratings as he snorted lines of pure melba toast off the ass of a sort of okay-looking Ivy League girl. (With Saran Wrap on the ass. Sanitation is next to telegraphed dog punnery.)

*This is a reminder that for all its faults, ESPN excels at broadcasting college football. They're really fucking good at it , and yes this is true even when they sully your ears with Bawb Davie and Mark "I like words" Jones because you can mute it and still see exactly what is going on in the game.

Half of the time Fox cameras aren't even pointing at the game. We can only assume this is because they have eight cameras at the game and only four cameramen running between them. Thus the enlightening shots of stadium eaves, blank sky, and entrance tunnels you get throughout every Fox college football broadcast. It is either this, or French film -maker Chris Marker is the director, and if that's the case we want a lot more Sans Soleil and a lot less La Jetee, jackass.