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WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. The entire 1983 CBS College Football Preview is up on Youtube, and it's hard to know where to start. They use Genesis breaks for background music. There is an interview with Gerry Faust where he says "It'll be hard to win a national title, but dreams do come true." (If you ever hear your coach say this, hang yourself immediately, because there is no hope.) There is an original '83 Hawaiian Punch commercial that appears to be about people taking acid on a sailboat.

This is just the first part, and it's nine minutes long, so it is a timesuck like no other you'll see today, but HOLY SHIT SEARS FOUR TIRES FOR $99 YOU HAVE GONE MAD.

The opening speeches by coaches rule, especially Schembechler just ending his by repeating "TEAM TEAM TEAM" over and over again with his jaw jutting forward like he's a really pissed off Boxer and you've got his chew toy. But Johnny Majors' pants---oh, Johnny Majors' pants


If they were pulled any further up they'd be waders. The lineman crouching in the foreground has to be looking at Majors' sawed-in-half man-tackle in the pants and thinking, "How is he not weeping from the pain?" (Answer: his favorite type of alcohol, "Alcohol.")

OH SHIT LARRY SCOTT COMIN'. It's developing so we'll just slap it up here, but the Pac-12 is about to have some serious paper coming its way.

TENNIS GONE WILD. Boise is getting sniffed at by the NCAA for a whopping $4,934 of benefits spread out over four years to the football team and other benefits in other sports, something any major football program in the NCAA might call "snacks" or "walkin' around money." The largest benefit was $417 and change, and has like all the other benefits been reimbursed to Mark Emmert's cognac fund, and seriously if Boise gets in serious trouble for this we're going to start our own capricious rubber-stamping regulatory body that lets you do anything you want as a university while taking a slightly smaller cut of a major sports tournament than the NCAA. 

IN STATISTICS THAT WILL SHOCK NO ONE. The Big Ten, per this BHGP survey, is quite a bit better at developing its athletes for the NFL and beyond than any other league including the SEC and Pac-12. The gap between the B1G and the SEC is probably best illustrated by the BCS probability numbers in the chart; the SEC is currently a set of programs engineered to get to the BCS, while the Big Ten and Pac-12 have this curious idea that you should just sign a maximum number of recruits and not get rid of them.

And as a fascinating illustration of that, here are the F +/- rankings for 2010 from Football Study Hall, which yes do exclude FCS teams from the rankings. So in short: If you want a program to commit completely to you and your development, the Big Ten is a better deal, and if you want to win BCS games, you should go to the SEC, and if you don't want to go to BCS games because you like the first week of January off but STILL go to the NFL, the ACC is your best choice. (Hey, um, the ACC actually sounds like the best deal here for the "economical" (i.e. lazy like ourselves) student. Well done, ACCers.)

Final note: the Big East still comes out as the value pick. Way to go, Big East Coast Bias!  

COME ON PATRIOTS. Please, Bill Belichick, dig deep in that inky, lightless heart of yours, and save Mark Herzlich from the grasp of the Omaha Nighthawks.

FIELD GOALS DO SUCK. Though we do agree with this,  the running field goal still has our firm endorsement.

ON THAT TRESSEL BILLBOARD: Brian's pretty much got it here.

AS FOR OTHER FINE TAUNTS. Well, that is pretty well done.