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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/27/2011

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SOMEDAY WE WILL RECOGNIZE THE GENIUS OF HAMMER UNLEASHING THE STAR POWER OF THE MALE TAINT.

Most people flip out over Hammer shoving his penis into the camera for no less than 40% of the shots in this video, but reserve some respect for Hammer's innovative choreography emphasizing what people really want: the taint. (We swear that is the Mr. Show skit of the same name, and is SFW while not being, you know, safe for work.)  Dancing with a boner on camera? Plenty have done that: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bobby Brown, and Bea Arthur are just a few of the big names who've done that. Hell, Mike Dubose coached the entire 1999 season with one and didn't bother to hide it from anyone, and no one cared about that until the dismal 2000 season.

But the Tweren't? Only Hammer dared to put that out there. What does this have to do with football? Nothing, but the curse of watching this video this morning has to be passed on before our head explodes. Remote control waterfalls really don't get enough play in the 2KTeens.

BECAUSE THE LIFE OF TATE FORCIER WAS NOT ODD ENOUGH. Michigan transfer and QBFORCE POWER QB Tate Forcier was involved in some kind of police incident last month in Grand Rapids, and while this is not technically a suicide attempt in anyone's words, it does involve a young man going through a major life change having the police called on him because he's dangling from a third-floor window. 

Tate Forcier, who quit the football team earlier this year, had locked himself in a bedroom of a third-floor apartment April 22, and was hanging out the window, the report states...

No one will say whether this was a suicide attempt, but the police report states the woman who called was concerned Forcier would jump from the window.

We certainly hope Forcier isn't actually considering suicide, and that he'll seek help, and both of these feel like really obvious statements a human being with at least a modicum of decency would say, but there they are. 

JIM DELANY'S FACE CONTROL IS A PHRASE HARD NOT TO PUT TO THE TUNE OF PRINCE'S SONG ABOUT ANOTHER FORM OF CONTROL ENTIRELY. Paul, aka Scipio Tex, levels Delany in his piece on the mothership regarding the perfectly innocent suggestion of added stipends for student-athletes. We kind of admire Delany at this point for playing his part so brilliantly; at this rate he's going to end up being our half-Al Swearengen, half-Dean Wormer in the college football Deadwood/Animal House capre flick we've always wanted to write, but 

"YOU PLAY TOO MUCH RAP MUSIC."  Anonymous sure has a lot of opinions about Ole Miss' game day experience, but let us go ahead and go on the record as fully endorsing a raw oyster bar at Ole Miss football games. GIGGITY PARASITIC INFECTION ROULETTE.

SPEAKING OF PARASITIC INFECTIONS. Now that the Rich Rodriguez era has ended, marvel at Michigan fans' dedication in still having a waitlist for tickets after three years of dismal football and even worse internal politicking in the athletic department re: said football program. If the Big House does decide to expand, watch Tennessee attempt to match the effort by installing floating bleachers suspended from blimps above each endzone. (Fans from the Union's third most obese fanbase in midair with concealed weapons permits = NO POTENTIAL FOR DISASTER WHATSOEVER.) #deathfromabove

SOME FORMER MICHIGAN MEN ARE DOING A BIT BETTER. Barwis is opening a gym, and we want to hang clean with him so bad.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND IT IS NOT OUR FAULT YOU CAN'T SEE THAT. We are everywhere, and our transportation is majestic enough to attract ladies and haters in unequal fashion.