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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/24/2011

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JUST WHEN YOU GET TOO NOSTALGIC, WE SHOW YOU THIS. Please remember that the past was littered with many wonderful things: the lush studio techniques of 70s recordings, mustaches, Diet Slice, Ted Knight, and an internet without autoplay ads. But before you get too misty-eyed over the bygone days of rollerblades and the Sega Genesis, please remember: shit like his was a valid interface between you and college football news.

"You're saying I can pick up my cordless phone and listen to Joe Paterno talk? For just $1.25 a minute? WHERE CAN I SIGN UP FOR THIS AMAZING SERVICE?" 1-900 numbers had to be dialed very carefully, remember, since The Lion Line was likely one number off from a phone sex operator in Texas just waiting to pretend she was an alien temptress with probe in hand. (Or at least that was Kerry Collins' excuse when the phone bill arrived.) We knew a guy in college who used to get blind drunk, call every imaginable variation of 1-900 numbers, and then fall asleep on the phone for hours at a time, and that is how we know that "following Phish for three months" is a great way to avoid collection notices.

THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHETICAL, MAN. Kirk Herbstreit is only saying this theoretically, mind you, but if you do want to seriously discuss how someone could acquire AQ status there's at least two ways the Mountain West could end up with an automatic bid in the BCS.  The debate would be most decisively ended not just by the top powers in the conference performing, but by the Wyomings and UNLVs of the conference being something other than deplorable this year since their overall conference rankings come into consideration re: AQ status. (But please, leave poor Kirk Herbstreit alone on this. He already had to move to Franklin, TN, and death by megachurch and antique shop is a cruel enough sentence on its own without you pouring salt into the open wound of his existence.)

AT LEAST THEY WERE CONSISTENT. Louisville will lose three scholarships due to APR sanctions, but take some consolation in the Cardinals' consistency under Steve Kragthorpe. It wasn't just the playbook and game notes they weren't reading. To make up for the lost scholarships, Charlie Strong will simply stare at thin air and flex until three talented walk-ons grow real sets of traps and become the equivalent of scholarship players. He has done it before, and will do it again, so get to work and do NOT make him undo one single button on his mighty golf shirt.

(P.S. APR is kind of bullshit anyway, though we'd put the use of the word "phony" in the category of language that along with "fraud" and "clown" is used by people who don't write so much as "regurgitate language they heard somewhere else." See: ALL OF TALK RADIO.)

OH YOU KNOW I'M JUST SOMEWHERE IN HAWAII OR COLORADO BEING AWESOME OR MAYBE IN AUSTRALIA JUST YOU KNOW--- Jake Scott is far too interesting to be a Georgia Bulldog, but in every batch of mealy Red Delicious Apples* there sits a random Fuji or Honeycrisp, and that would be Mr. Scott, who did in fact ride a motorcycle over Stegman Coliseum, and who spends his free time doing all the awesome things you wish you could be doing.  He doesn't even seem too excited or nonplussed by the College Hall of Fame, and given the mysterious requirements for membership this seems to be the only reasonable stance.

MMMMM GAME FILM. The best clips here feature Oregon just confusing the living shit out of Stanford with the same three plays out of different formations.

THE MOST INVENTIVE PREVIEW EVER. it's like he made up an entire school called "Purdue," and then wrote a preview.

*They suck, and this is not a point of debate. They are the fat bridesmaids and ugly groomsmen of the world: they exist only to provide a mediocre context for superior apples to shine against. Fuck Red Delicious forever, and take your mealy asses to the applesauce factory where you belong, you waxy bitches.