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BOBBY LOWDER'S PREMATURE DEMISE DECLARED (AGAIN)

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Please remember this: boosters never die, they just put their money into their horcruxes, also known as their children, and live on forever in the form of haunted athletic facilities and donations made automatically from their spoiled offspring's trust funds. So don't ever say that a booster is done until you're damn sure they're done, especially if the booster in question is the SEC's own Voldemort, Auburn's Bobby Lowder formerly of Bobby Lowder's Auburn.

Lowder's renomination for the Auburn Board of Trustees was blocked by the Alabama State Senate, but assuming this is the end of his influence over the Auburn football program is going way, way too far with the story. Even if Lowder is blocked again from the board of trustees, he can still exert influence over Auburn's football program without a seat, and that is precisely the influence Auburn football fans are concerned about in the first place. 

Our advice? Follow the example of other major football programs and get not one, or even two, but like fifteen sketchy boosters. One mafiosi is a kingpin, but fifteen of them is a guild, and guilds have some reasonable minimum standard of behavior. Not that we'll run the University of Florida like that when we become a megabooster. No, we'll buy off athletes the old-fashioned way: with an army of insatiable sex robots and bowls of free candy everywhere. It worked for Switzer, and it would totally work for us.

"That's right, son. Have a milk dud and a night with the PowerPelvis Peggy 3000 on us. Just a warning: she catches fire and shoots flechettes from her eyeballs when she starts working hard. It's a glitch, and there's no telling when it will happen and when it won't, but we'll be damned if that exact thing didn't help Percy Harvin, Jr run for for 300 yards on the University of Tennessee in the 2031 game up in Knoxville-Sponsored-By-Twitter."