12:34 p.m. Central Time. Missouri coach Gary Pinkel works in his office watching film of the Kansas game from 2010, a 35-7 defeat of the rival Jayhawks. A half eaten donut sits on the table. The images of a single play run forward, then back, then forward again on the wall. Faint marks of repaired damage are visible even underneath the light of the projected images on the cinder blocks.
Pinkel: Gotta work on our five-wide protect. They're getting a man past on a four-man rush here.
Assistant: Your wife is on the line.
Pinkel: Jesus, tell her I'm working. Doesn't she understand that?
Assistant: It's about the videotapes.
Pinkel: Tell her she can return them. It's not like she doesn't watch them, too. I watch "Just Go With It," and she can watch my movies, dammit. THIS IS A MARRIAGE. We share things.
Assistant: I'm not going to tell that to your wife for you sir.
Pinkel: Why not? Isn't that what assistants are for? I'm---wait, is there a tornado warning today?
Assistant: Why, I don't think so, but--
Pinkel: Dammit. Let's move back from that wall.
[A GREAT RUMBLING OF BASS AND MUCH SHAKING] ...
YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE COMIN' BACK (EVENTUALLY) SON
Pinkel: And we just got that fixed, Mark. Just got it fixed.
Marky M puts on black leather jacket, turtleneck and takes it back to '96.
Well you made another wall?
Well Mark had to make it fall.
Had to show up make a mess/ Just to up the Pinkel's stress
Cause even though the M is gone
And you think you movin' on
Well Marky bustin' in again
To let you know he gonna win
Return of the Mark--Gravaaaayyy!
Return of the Mark--OH MY GAWD
Return of the Mark--EXTRA CHEESE!
You know that he'll be back--Like bacon babaaayyy
NEEEEEEDLE SCRAAAAAAAAAATCH
Pinkel: Oh god.
Assistant: What the fuck?
Pinkel: It's a medley.
[A CANNONADE OF 808s AND A JUSTICE SAMPLE]
On to the next bun
(I got a million ways to bread it.)
On to the next bun
(Choose one.)
On to the next bun
(Bring it back)
On to the next bun
NOW DOUBLE YOUR PASTRY AND MAKE IT STACK NOW.
He's on to the next bun
On to the next bun
On to the next bun
On to the next bun
On to the next bun
On to the next bun
On to the next bun
SOMEBODY BRING ME BACK SOME JUJUBEEEEESSSSSS
Mark on that beat like a frau on some strudel
Alsatian sensations got her wigglin' like a noodle
Four hot midgets in the Range/Call 'em petit-four,
Powder up they nose/ but that's strictly from the jelly ro'
Came with the Twinkies, left with Napoleons
Linzer tort pimpin' with these shortbread simoleons
Traded in my cakes for some high-class patisserie
Got Parisian with this breezin', taste this croissant diss-ery
Used to rock the cheesebread, now I got the bundt cake
Ridges on the sides for the haters, get ya tongues scraped
I'm the bread-taker, you just some cream puffin'
You just a E-Z Bake and I'm the fuckin' oven.
I move toward the icing, the cheese and the stripper pole
Put the word profit in your momma's Profiterole
Gotta keep it fresh, cause the hunger's never done
So don’t be mad at M when he’s on to the next bun
Lost to NDSU, now just how does that feel
Hero sandwich to your turkey wrap, the M to the Gill
Thrice the man by the weight and ten times by the thrill
When Marky M come back to Kansas better polish his crown
Leavin' bodies like my name was John Brown.
[POSES. NODS]
I see you, T.G.
YEAH BLEEDING KANSAS
Pressin' bread all day like my name was Mario at the sub shop.
MARKY M.
We comin' back.
Lipitor, I see you MAD SHOUTZ.
Much love to T-Rees. Saska-Poon, he comin'!
Chamois Panties Gang, represent.
Beefsteak Tommy and the Backgammon Mafia, we rett. WE RETT.
Keep bangin, support soles.
I got racks too, young gunz. They full a pies flyin' out. Real Gs just don't need to tell urrbody about it.
WE OUT.
/DROPS MIC
Pinkel sighs, and brushes dust and powdered sugar off his sweatshirt.
Gary Pinkel: Get someone in here to clean up this mess, dammit.