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It teaches you that when you turn down Terms of Endearment to make Stroker Ace, you just go and make Stick. And when people hate that, you get up and make City Heat, and then Rent-A-Cop, and then Cop and a Half, and then you ride the sitcom wagon on Eventing Shade for a while, and that's nice, but then you sort of luck into the role of a lifetime in Boogie Nights, and the point is that college football will help you learn the skills to pay for hairpieces, an expensive divorce from Loni Anderson, and a dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida. Take notes, kids.


FIESTA! FOREVER! The Federal Elections Committee may now be involved in the Fiesta Bowl's unraveling mess of improper gifting, bribery, general foolishness, and outright fraud, which is particularly funny to us because the name of the woman who wrote this article is Ginger Rough. The path to the NCAA revoking the Fiesta's license is wide open, but it must be done "in the best interests of college athletics." When someone can define what those are clearly without laughing while saying them, we will have a good starting point for doing just this.

Meanwhile, the dude charged with uncovering the mess in the first place didn't even follow college football before his entry into the case. 

I told the board that I didn't really care anything about college football," Madel said. "They thought that was funny."

HAHAHAHA THAT IS. Because he can't possibly mean that as an American. (See persuasive College Football Association ads.) 

YES WE SEE THIS. As a fan of a conference whose swag has been turning up on EBay for years, it is impressive that it would show up on Pawn Stars, but last week an Auburn player admitted to selling his title ring during the trophy presentation, so yes, why not OSU's golden pantaloons, too? Now, if Tressel's labeled underwear started showing up on the show? Now we're talking, especially because you know he writes his name in his underwear.

SO AUSSIE RULES SCRIMMAGE IT IS. Four 12 minute quarters with a running clock will be the format for the Orange and Blue game due to the pileup of injuries along the offensive line. (Depending how you count it, Florida has around eight standing lineman right now.) We sort of wish they'd just go with the "first down marker is the shoe, run a button hook, and if you're open just go deep and I'll get it to you" at this point. Wow, that's a scarily accurate description of Notre Dame's offense in Weis' final year----CONVULSES FOR TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT

WHY YES WE DO LIKE HAL MUMME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. If like means "have a deep and respectful suspicion of," actually.

LAYERS OF LAYERS OF LAYERS OF IRONY. George O'Leary is appalled by someone else's behavior, you say? BWAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA.