Jon Gruden has interviewed many of the top prospects coming from college football into the pros before tonight's NFL draft. Let's review the highlights, starting with the best moment from his interview with little-known prospect Ajean Hornette.
A-Jean? A-John? Aegean? Are you a sea or a quarterback? Come on, man. You gotta let me in that noggin there. Scouts are gonna ask way worse. You know it's true. They'll wanna make you mad, man.
Are these bee scouts? Are they redolent of the smell of fresh honey and delicious juicy younglings?
OH THEY SMELL LIKE SOMETHING PAL. They smell like guys who wanna see how you werk, Ay-SHON.
That is neither a clear answer to my question nor a lucid thought.
Hey! I like you, A-Zhon. You're a regular Tommy Sparklehammer! You probably gonna tell me that shelf behind me is just full of 200 copies of Alyssa Milano's Teen Steam. Well, they are, Ajean. You got me there. They are.
My young require feeding to grow into their true fearsome form. Then we shall continue our reign of terror against bees, livestock, and unfortunate Asian utility workers and intoxicated farmers. They nourish me with a translucent liquid they regurgitate after feedings.
You're a serious guy. Serious like a middle aged guy with a dirty gray sweatshirt at the grocery store at two in the afternoon. Serious like coming between a dog and his handgun. Serious like cancer on vacation in Puerto Rico. In the NFL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK CANCER IN PUERTO RICO, KID!
My father was an American serviceman in Japan. My mother was an Asian Hornet. She and my 5,829 other hivemates killed him and laid eggs in his skin.
Pretty intense family situation there.
I only mourn a day without serving the hive. My mother insisted on the name in honor of him, though. I attend Hornette family reunions in Arkansas when I can. They are simple people.
Roger Goodell is gonna make sweet love to those wrench-lip things you got there, Ajean, if you keep talking like that. That sounds like some serious teamwork. GOTTA LOVE TEAMWORK.
Our mating rituals are violent. Males die shortly afterward.
I KNEW YOU REMINDED ME OF OLD JEFFERSON GARCIA--
I am female.
Brady Quinn, then! Okay, AYYY--zean, let's see the board. Show me what's cracking in that skull. Show me the plan of attack. I'm throwing zone dog right vary switch left delta prostate gamma boron blitz at you, and then I'm shifting at the line to Slash-Right-Fingercot-Melville-shift-calgon-ubersausage-three-nine-cow-in-a-business-suit-Tango-Juwanna-Man.
Dazzle the ol' coach here. Spin my turbines with a parasol and call me Eric Dickerson's Palsy.
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