clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

THAT'S QUALITY HUSTLE THERE, GATOR. When you mindlessly devour anything that falls into the water, sooner or later one of them is bound to be a "Nurf" football. Watch in awe as it struggles to put it through the goal line of its mouth! It's like an Addazio offense mindlessly churning down the field, except that the ball is eventually swallowed.

Continue the parallel by wondering what happens once the ball actually crosses the goal line of the esophagus and gets in the stomach. It is an amazing and entirely theoretical questions, since like a TD scored by Florida in 2010, we have too small a data set to make anything but decent guesses about what happens upon ingestion. (If 2010 is any indication of future events, the Gator will eventually go BOOM GET IT HAHAHAA---) 

SPEAKING OF BOOMING. Will Muschamp made the rounds through the ESPN "car wash" yesterday, including a stint on one of the internet's most desolate of landscapes, an ESPN livechat. This happened. 

Glen Grillo, Alpharetta, GA: "Coach, is it true you went out and bought yourself a new bright orange Chevy Camaro?":

Muschamp: Absolutely not.

...yet, Coach Muschamp. Absolutely not yet.

AND NOW UNLEASH HELL. All of this is predicated on Utah's antitrust suit against the BCS gaining any traction whatsoever, and that is a large wager to make because antitrust suits take a lot of legal willpower, take forever to pass through the alimentary canals of the legal system (Friday=late breakfast=lots of gut analogies bear with us,) and because the BCS is essentially the Caymanian LLC created by large conferences to distance themselves from the taxable profits of the bowl cartel. (This makes them quite slippery, as any Bill Hancock interview will show you.)

(And have you ever thought about how dodgy that is, that the BCS is essentially In Pursuit of Perfection LLC, but with the added subterfuge of using non-profit bowl games as accomplices? Offshoring, as loathsome as it may be as a practice, may actually be a more forthright setup than the current arrangement. Logical brain boggles at it, while scoundrel brain claps at the redneck car insurance racket this really is at its core.) 

Diversions aside, let's remember the important part of the article and Andy Staples' lengthy simulation of just how much hell would be unleashed if the BCS pulled the ripcord on the parachute of going back to the original standalone bowl system. 

But let's say the Sugar locked down both targets and move further down the rights-fee food chain. The Cotton Bowl, now played in Jerry Jones' Football Palace and Chicken-and-Waffle Emporium, needs a premium matchup.

HOOOWEEE I SPENT A JILLION DOLLARS ON A STADIUM AND SOMEONE JUST CALLED IT A CHICKEN AND WAFFLE EMPORIUM. Jerry Jones will never read this because it is not a book about "champions", since he seems like one of those adult males who don't read anything that doesn't have a grinning wealthy man in a suit on the cover, but we really wish he would just to see the reaction.

Meanwhile, yeah, let's just see what else is out there in the world of poor accounting, and then ask the CAI if they want to run a bowl game, too. (The Greg Mortenson Bowl! Held in Waziristan in an empty school without teachers, but everyone gets there on a private jet.)

THE SABAN RECRUITING SYSTEM, BUT WITHOUT THE ADVANCED RURAL MEDICINE SCHOLARSHIPS OFFERED TO PROMISING YOUNG DOCTORS FOR WHOM FOOTBALL IS NO LONGER THAT IMPORTANT. The Saban system laid out in five steps by Tom Luginbill is an interesting read, especially when you find out that part of this particular Sabanish process is meeting four times a week re: recruiting, and that doing all of this will still just get you a 1-3 record against Steve Spurrier who looks at guys and goes, "Yeah, he looks like a football player CLICK CLACK."

Mr. Saban does have quite the point on NFL talent evaluators, however. He does say nice things about Mike Mayock as everyone should, because Mayock knows what the hell he's talking about at all times, and does have a very convincing slight lisp program to give the powerful illusion that he is human.  (Via Kleph)

OH THAT DELICIOUS BACON SMELL. The Kiffin Diaspora mourned at RTT.

LET'S GET POSITIVE! Penn State's defensive front should be a strength of the Nittany Lions' 2011 squad, but do you have to go for extra credit even when reminding us of who's leaving, Penn State?
Colasanti was a fantastic student who is currently working toward becoming an orthopedic surgeon.  Gbadyu overcame the longest of odds, growing up in war-torn Liberia and eventually earning scholarship offers across the nation before choosing Penn State.
Um, well...the Pouncey Twins are singlehandedly supporting the Lakeland Giant Watch Industry, so what do you have to say to THAT, Penn State, huh?

THEY WATCH IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Please welcome our new Big East blog, Big East Coast Bias. They'll just be over there quietly counting basketball money, collecting a nice roster of young coaches like Strong and Holgorsen, and fixing hot toddies for Paul Pasqualoni and making sure his blanket stays over his legs.

FULMER CUPPISH: A separate post is forthcoming, but Rice and Duke are the first two steps in a blueblood private school crime wave of unexpected intensity. Stanford, watch your ass.

LSUFREEK WITH FURTHER HARVEY UPDYKE MADNESS. It is after the jump, and you will click if you want to see the most entertaining bar brawl in the history of "bar brawls involving Milt McGregor in an Old West Whore's Dress."