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ZEKE PIKE CHOOSES AUBURN UNIVERSITY.  God is the best recruiter in the world, since something like God (or a "God thing", which is like a really divine piece of furniture or bus stop or something) told the Kentucky junior quarterback that his blue chip self to go to Auburn. He also chose words poorly given recent alleged events that no one has proven, Pawl. NO ONE.

"I feel like a million bucks," Pike said. "I am so happy and it's such a big relief."

Avoid all cash similes when discussing Auburn, young man. First of all they are very generous people who showed up like gangbusters for the EDSBS Charity Drive, and for that we are feeling huggy. Unfortunately we hug while holding sharpened scissors WE'RE SORRY IT'S JUST LIKE BREATHING AT THIS POINT--


It's okay. You can laugh because this is a fictional scenario, and never happened. Any similarities to people or places depicted in this gif are purely coincidental, especially Cam's powerful durrrface which makes us wish he stuck around another year just to watch what Freek could do with it. (According to Nick Saban via a conversation with John Elway, Auburn fans should feel this way, too.)

SWAG. Please respect the headrests. We are pretty sure this is the Heavener plane that is Gator logo'd up to the gills, the very same plane that holds the title of the "Most Chillwave Plane Ever."  Alligator Army has the highlights from Muschamp's SEC teleconference yesterday, including Muschamp saying Florida does not grayshirt. (Checks scholarships and rosters, closes eyes and hopes....)

PLEASE DO NOT PASS OUT. That is indeed a Boston front page for a college football story. The Red Sox better recover quickly, because the next stage in the obvious devolution of public order according to this City of Boston Anarchy Flow Chart we're consulting, the next stage is arson, then cannibalism, and then listening to Godsmack and nodding along.

FAU 7, STADIUM 0. All Howard Schnellenberger does is build things and buy fur coats for beautiful ladies.

THIS WAS AN UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCE OF OUR REBRANDING. Arizona State might view this as a negative, but recruiting is recruiting, man.

THE U NEEDS TO RECLAIM ITS TRADITION OF OUTSTANDING ORATORS. Ray Lewis isn't  speaking during a thunderstorm. That just happens whenever he talks. Also, the special effects in those Old Spice commercials are not special effects, and were shot in one easy take.

BEYOND THIS JUMP LIES SOMETHING OF PURE WONDER. Via Holly's Left Tackle column at the home planet, you may click the jump to watch Texas giant Earl Campbell acting his ass off in a Skoal ad from 1980.

Would advertisers dare suggest that wearing short shorts and dippin' would get you random ass on the beach? IN 1980 YOU BET YOUR ASS THEY WOULD.