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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 4/19/2011

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CURLEY HALLMAN TELLS YOU HOW TO HOST WELL. The former LSU football coach instructs you on how to be a good host. He recommends Golden Flake in what is not at all a paid endorsement in a house with plush leather chair and wood paneling that is undoubtedly his, and not a studio. It's like you're in his very living room!

That is not Curley Hallman's living room. We hate to inform you of this, but it is missing a few elements. First, it is a studio, and there are no walls on two sides to allow cameras to work. Second, Jamie Howard is not walking around serving turnovers. Most guests were okay with two or three, but those bastards from Auburn took six in one serving once. Rude-ass crackers (they didn't even bring their whiskey fountain with them.) 

SPEAKING OF BEING WELCOMING HOSTS. LSU does have an NCAA report pending, albeit one involving a recruit who never came in Akiem Hicks and former LSU assistant D.J. McCarthy. The answer for any SEC fan asking "Is my school currently awaiting a letter from the NCAA?" is "Yes, probably, and nothing will come of it." But in an age where few people actually send handwritten letters in the U.S. Mail, it's nice to have an excuse to use all that expensive stationery. 

HE WAS THE CHINESE GYMNAST OF THE AFFAIR. There's a gif that probably isn't worth the cost/benefit analysis in the story of the tiny twin who accompanied UGA recruits in a locker room caper at the Butts-Mehre center, but the thought of the two recruits watching him on a CC feed and saying "a hundred bucks he shorts it" while he attempts to flip out of a laundry basket onto the training table is certainly worth the ten seconds of Oceans 11 daydreaming. 

WELL DONE, OREGONIANS. A Fulmer Cupdate awaits you later today, but yes, Oregon's backup was arrested for foolishness, and yes, internet commenters win again. (See sign in comments.)

MASTER OF PUPPETS CONTINUES PULLING YOUR STRINGS. Bobby Lowder remains on the Board at Auburn after being renominated for a term under his new retirement residence in Auburn, thus forcing the Institute of Easy Internet Jokes to up their projection on Auburn/cash jokes to 1.4 billion barrels of LULZ remaining. This exceeds conservative projections of 800,000 barrels made when Lowder's term was ending and some speculated he would leave the board, but hahahah he is Bobby Lowder.

UM YEAH THERE'S GOING TO BE A LEARNING CURVE. Gruden, Newton, and yeah, the playbook adjustment thing for Cam Newton going into the NFL: it's real, and it will be spectacular (as it is for any spread option bros going in, so let's not be too mean to Cam alone..) Exposed is a strong word, and one of those words in the Clownfraud school of Dumbass Studies people use without thinking about what it really means. How about "reminded that college football is not as complex as the NFL playbook-wise, and that the adjustment is hard durrrr."

TRESSEL AS PATSY. Not likely, but sure, conspiracies are fun. Go ahead and roll in that one. It's not hurting anyone.

GET BLAZED. FSH's UAB preview highlights what our own Douglas Gillett has been saying for years now: they may not be a winning team, but UAB for entertainment value may be among the best values in college football viewing dollars (unless you have a pre-existing cardiac condition, or don't want to develop one.)

PASS IS BOTH A GRADE AND SOMETHING ROBERT BOLDEN DID NOT COMPLETE. Penn State's spring game gets passes from BSD, and not much beyond that.