Operator: Hello this is Candy how can I help you today?
I'd like to report a problem with the order for "Auburn BCS Championship Game Used Sod."
Candy: I'm sorry to hear that sir. What is the issue?
It didn't work. I'd like an immediate refund to my credit card please.
Candy: I'm sorry to hear that. Would you describe the nature of it "not working?" It did come intact?
Yes it did, Candy. It came in a handy case of sealed lucite that it took forty-five minutes to open. There aren't even instructions on it. For future reference: use a power saw. I appreciate freshness, but this was overdoing it.
Candy: I'm sorry, the display case is not supposed to be opened.
Well, that's only the first problem, isn't it Candy? The biggest problem is that your product doesn't work.
Candy: I'm sorry to hear that. How did our Auburn BCS Championship Game Used Sod "not work" for you as a customer, sir.
Candy, I am from California. We do not lower our standards ever, but let me tell you what we are especially tight about. We take care of ourselves. We work hard, and we play hard. We eat the freshest arugula. We ski only the choicest slopes. Submuscular impants only, you get it? WE DO NOT BOLT ON THE NECESSITIES OF LIFE, CANDY. We take pains to make them part of our persons, so we make them the finest in everything we do.
Candy: I understand, sir. I have a cousin in Fresno. Have you been there?
EGADS NO WOMAN WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM? Fresno is really outer Nevada, but I'll let that slide for the purposes of this conversation. What I'm going to need to hear from you now is "I will give you a refund, because in addition to breaking a hand saw, a screwdriver, and causing me to ruin a recent manicure with a nasty hammer injury, I'm going to give you, Leland W. Treereguard, a refund for my subpar, East Coast-quality, desert skunk weed that did not get me the least bit high and turned my lips orange and blue for a week."
Candy: Sir, you ordered sod. It is grass.
That's what is says on the website, too. Hello, A-O-Ler. DING! You've got FAIL, Candy. Your product is CRAP. That's what I'm telling you.
Candy: It is just grass. They pulled it off the field and played football with it. We do not sell drugs, and never have.
Candy, I...I'm sorry. I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Candy: No problem, sir. Please have a nice--
TELL YOUR PRE-NEVADAN COUSIN I HOPE THE DINGOS EAT HER AND HER GOATEED HUSBAND AND THAT THEY BOTH LOOKED LIKE FAT PEASANTS IN THEIR NUDE SCENE IN SIDEWAYS--
Candy: ---I'm sorry to heart that, sir. [CLICK]
[stares across room.]
I'm never listening to you ever again.
HEY IT WAS A DRY SPELL AND WORTH A TRY IT'S A HUNDRED YOU'RE LOADED SO THAT'S NOTHING AFTER ALL THAT WAS PRETTY FUN HOW HARD YOU COUGHED BUT THE EXTRA CHEMICALS THEY THREW IN THERE PROBABLY GAVE YOU SOME KIND OF MUTANT POWERS HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING ON THE TV WITH YOUR MIND BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE PRETTY AWESOME IF YOU COULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I THINK TWO AND A HALF MEN IS ON AND I'M PRETTY COMFORTABLE OVER HERE ON THE COUCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHARLIE SHEEN LEFT THE SHOW NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME JIM HARBAUGH LEFT STANFORD OR LAURENT GBAGBO IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT OF THE IVORY COAST BET YOU DIDN'T THINK I KNEW THAT BUT WHEN YOU GET TRAPPED IN BARNES AND NOBLE OVERNIGHT BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A BOOK THAT CONTAINS THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE THAT A MAGICAL SNAILDRAGON TOLD YOU IN THIRD AISLE OF A STUCKEY'S YOU'LL GO TO A BOOKSTORE PRETTY FAST BUT THEN THE LOUDSPEAKERS CAME ON AND I DID WHAT CATS DID AND I HID I HIDE REALLY GOOD AND ANYWAY I READ ALL KINDS OF MAGAZINES DO YOU KNOW THE THINGS THEY RECOMMEND WOMEN DO TO YOU IN COSMO I'D HIT THE CEILING ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS JUST AFTER I PACKED FOR A LONG FLIGHT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN NOT ALL OF MY LUGGAGE GOES IN THE OVERHEAD BIN AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT CHECKING IT---
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