THE FIESTA BOWL IS ITS OWN PROJECT CHICK
TO THE BOWL DUDES BEIN' REAL RUDE WITH DOLLAZ IN THEY POCKETS
TO THE FLASHY YELLOW JACKETS SPENDING CASH ON THEM LOCKETS
The fallout from the Fiesta Bowl's internal investigation of its insane financial practices is so rich you'll have to just read through the whole thing yourself, but this morning's most odiferous corpses include the following:
- Junker had a fetish for gold investing, and charged $1,595 to Fractal Publishing for their subscription marketing service. According to its website, Fractal Publishing offers The Fractal Market Report and The Fractal Gold Report, providing "a detailed forecast for equity markets, as well as selected other markets like silver, bonds, and crude oil." Junker also blew over $22,000 for gold coins purchased with Bowl funds because, urr, DURR, durp.
- Junker in effect provided the startup capital for "Blue Steel," the security company run by a Maricopa County Sheriff's Deputy who later ensured that Junker's daughter received a police security escort to her prom.
- In order to "reach out to the Hispanic community," Junker sent Natalie Wisneski, the Fiesta's chief operating officer, to a Hispanic businesswoman's conference in Paris.
- The Bowl awarded construction contracts to standing board members in a no-bid process. #wellplayed
- Summed up by one quote: "As a general matter, it is unclear who is in charge of guiding the Bowl’s investment strategy for its available cash."
When not stealing like ship rats on a cheese barge, the Fiesta also of course partied it up at local strip clubs on the company dime and attempted to circumvent campaign finance law. We think the obvious defense for this behavior has not been used yet: "We were suffering from a decades-long outbreak of BALLER-a, a water-borne disease with symptoms of mad reppin', rain-making, and constant stuntin' like the most stuntastic of daddies. Please, keep hatin'."
It's in the linked SBNation stream, but we can't even comment on the BCS tut-tutting the Fiesta without turning inside out like a deepwater fish brought to the surface too quickly.
OH, AND HERE COMES THE BEST PART. We'll just replace this with Jerry Jones' Cotton Bowl now. YES THAT IS A SOLUTION FOR GRAFT AND MISMANAGEMENT, IS IT.
/gets too drunk to drive
/pays cracked-out hobo to take the wheel
/fun and profit.
SPEAKING OF GRAFT AND MISMANAGEMENT LOOK HERE'S AUBURN. Haters' column: the New York Times, Spike 80-DF, the entire media, HBO, Andrea Kremer, those who believe Under Armour is just a big yeasty greenhouse/body sock you pay to slap onto your body, and four former players. Does the transcript look bad to you? Clearly, you have failed this test and are an energy vampire. Please take your sallow complexion and negative thoughts and report yourself to your local Auburn booster for disposal. We'll be liveblogging this tonight, and you know it's a big deal because we're DVR'ing Justified to watch it.
THINGS PRE-EMPTIVELY MENTIONED: Chaz Ramsay sued the school following his injury and subsequent flameout at the school, Stanley McClover has already contradicted himself on his own testimony, and he also fears frogs. Troy Reddick, however, remains a big black dude all stuck up in his pads.
BOLD PREDICTIONS: Auburn will get nothing because of this report, but it does boost their Venal Redneck Grifter points to a level previously thought unattainable by both science and instinct.
ERIK AINGE TAKING HEROIN IS LIKE THE SIXTH BULLET POINT. That's just how much of a scandal-laden week it is becoming. This does explain Ainge's clockwork implosions, though, and we're very happy to see him on the road to recovery because he's the only SEC quarterback to ever argue with an EDSBS staff member on Twitter about the quality of the movie Predators. #pills