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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 3/28/2011

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AND STEVE SPURRIER'S STUNNING ARREST.  Travis Haney was the first we saw on Friday reporting that as a bit of a visual illustration of the murky nature of police work Steve Spurrier was handcuffed at Gamecocks practice, and we thought: oh pleaaaaase, let there be video of this. The internet's gentle tide never abides, and brings forth the bounty of the meme sea yet again. (It's cued up--just click play.)

The press pool muttering "Please don't find the keys" is awesome, as are the football players yelling out "He didn't do it!" The point is something like "The police have a tough job," which is true because if you say "Hey, a big black dude with dreads robbed someone in Columbia, South Carolina," you have approximately a zillion perfectly law-abiding huge black dudes with dreads to choose from, because Columbia has a lot of said dudes. But mostly you just watched Steve Spurrier get cuffed, and subtly admit that yes, he did just rob a convenience store down the road simply to feel the thrill of brazen theft for the first time since he worked for Dan Snyder.

(Panties and hearts: the only things Steve Spurrier has previously been accused of stealing. Via Kleph.)

THIS GUY. I TELL YA WHEN YOU HAVE CHARLIE WEIS AND WILL MUSCHAMP BOY YOU GOTTA LOT OF TALENT. JUST A TON OF NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE LEVEL TALENT RIGHT THERE. THIS GUY JUST LOVES TO COACH FOOTBALL. AND THIS GUY TOO. AND YOU IN THE FRONT ROW. I THINK YOU'RE A COACH, RIGHT? I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT YOU TOO LOVE TO COACH FOOTBALL, AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU'RE DOING IT. JUST LOOK AT THE THIGHS ON YOU! YOU GOT SOME STANDIN' PIPES THERE, I TELL YA.

GOOD CHRIST, NICK SABAN'S MUTANT-FINDING SKILLS ARE PROFESSOR X-WORTHY. This year's model is Jesse Williams, a JUCO transfer Aussie with a gang of tats, traps that go into his ears, muscles honed from years of eating fifteen pounds of lean kangaroo meat a day on the fringes of the Outback, and a complete invulnerability to the elements. 

"We have a class together and he’s quite the character," linebacker Dont’a Hightower said. "I don’t think I’ve ever met anybody who walked to class in 20-degree weather in flip flops and shorts and a tank top."

This is his picture, and you just shit your pants.

Nick Saban's School for Gifted Youngsters enrolls another one, though please remember that your scholarship is a year-to-year affair, though even Saban might not have the audacity to cancel the scholarship of an Australian who can throw a rabid wombat through both sides of a shipping container lengthwise. This analogy makes Gene Chizik Magneto, which seems too complimentary. Thus we dub him Swagneto, a less impressive character who can only control substances made of Under Armour.

YOU CAN BUY A SHIRT FROM THE GIFT STORE IF YOU WANT TO FEEL LIKE PART OF THE TEAM. Sort of feeling like Brandon Wegher probably isn't going to get much of a chance to return to Iowa, aren't you sir?

LET'S CONTINUE THE TREND OF PEOPLE CALLING FOR JIM TRESSEL'S HEAD. The current thinking gaining some hold among Columbus palace-watchers is that Tressel could be done after this year, and then quietly transition power to [UNNAMED COACH GOES HERE.] Off-Tackle Empire thinks Tressel should still be gone, but remember this all assumes the NCAA has the power and the will to enforce the rules the institutions do not really want enforced, and that institutions should therefore abide by them, and we'd really love to talk about how this really should be no really we are come closer--

PURCHASED AND PURCHASED TWICE: Getting him to do the Two-Bits Cheer is the next step, of course.