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MUSCHAMP SPEAKS! And sounds just like an amalgam of Mack Brown and Nick Saban with one tweak: he has random bursts of volume when he speaks, talking along normally and then SUDDENLY GOING ALL CAPS on you.

It's one part "Process," one part "Mack Brown Cadence," and then one generous part of random volume control and perpetually mussed hair, and that's Muschamp. He'd make a very startling auctioneer or passenger jet pilot.

JESUS CHRIST, DON'T LET HIM NEAR YOU WITH A SCALPEL. Dr. Lou is getting an honorary degree from Notre Dame, and he will use it to attempt backalley surgery on someone, oh, mark our words he will. When he does a shockingly good job removing your appendix, you might thank him. Then you will remember you only came in for a checkup, and wonder why Dr. Holtz is approaching you again with the rag and chloroform.

MMM, DELICIOUS BLOOD. Disciple of Ramgod, Rueben Randle, delights in your bloodshowers! But you already knew that, since he is the one child of Ramgod. But were you aware of his baptism of JC Copeland, LSU defensive tackle, in his taxidermy blood cult?


Copeland had his moments. He had a key block on Stevan Ridley's 17-yard touchdown run in the Cotton Bowl. Another block he made was memorable for another reason.

"One time I hit a guy, and he spit blood on me," Copeland said with a wry smile.

LET'S HOPE THIS IS NOT TRUE. And that if it is, that it is as minor as a heart condition can be, which is never really minor but we're grading on the curve of "heart problems" and the pants-shitting fear they can induce.

MARK BARRON'S CRIMINAL RAMPAGE THROUGH ALABAMA! OMG! He was speeding once through Marengo County, Alabama! Which is really the only thing to do in a county where Demopolis is the big city, and thus we cannot blame him. SOMEONE STOP MARK BARRON BEFORE HE KILLS SOMEONE.  (HT: Blutarsky.)

IN WELL-TiMED INJURY NEWS. Nick Toon, Wisconsin WR, will miss spring practice with a stress fracture in his foot. He will still be available on NCAA 2011, where he's open all day on every play-action pass in the book.