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|Surprise Trust Falls|
Spring storylines are all the same, especially when your media access has been completely cut off by the coaching staff in question. Now that Florida beat reporters are essentially all bloggers now, we invite them to join us in repeating the standard spring storylines you'll hear every year for the rest of your life.
[Player Who Disappointed Last Season] Turning It Around Now! Hey, Sharrif Floyd. It must suck to be the subject of this line. From a certain age to about 28 we were the subject of this storyline too, but just with "social occasion involving alcohol" in place of "football." Are you going to fulfill your potential this year? You're not going to vomit all over the place and ask people if you think your alternate spellings for obscure ethnic slurs are better than the originals, are you? Yet, here you are, facing the question in just your second year with all the horrible buzzwords around you like "poor technique and bad field habits" surrounding you. It's okay, Sharrif. A lot of us have been there, and some of us are still there in the great spring practice of life.
[New Coach] Really Getting Along With [Position Player Playing In New System.] For Florida this is so obviously John Brantley, who is getting along just fabulously with Charlie Weis. The test for any value in a statement is reversing it as a test. Let's try that for fun in several different variations just to make sure!
Brantley on Weis: "I've never met a bigger cockbag in my life. I pray for death at every meeting and tell him about it."
Weis: "John Brantley couldn't unfuck a stumped mule with a dildo made from a fireplug, and he knows I think this because I held him down and burned it into his skin with a coat hanger in English AND Spanish."
Brantley: "One of us will stab the other by the end of this. Print that, and put 'I' where 'one of us' is, and 'Charlie Weis' neck' where 'the other is.' I think you can figure out my elaborate wordplay there."
So yeah, this is a meaningless storyline, and a damned reliable one. If you want to just bet on a generic max Delta in performance, btw, just take our own Swamp Jonathan Crompton, aka Swampton, since being worse than last year is simply impossible. (Bench time would be less harmful, actually.)
Let's All Buy-In. The part where it's unclear if we're talking about a pyramid scheme or a football team, but "buying in" is really, really important. It seems to be code in most programs for "let's see who's an asshole who hates doing what they're told to do." The word "chemistry" gets thrown around a lot, too. If this all involves a bunch of (surprise) trust falls, latching hands together in complicated arrangements and untangling each other," and art projects where you draw what you think "excellence" looks like, then you have another reason to actually thank the stars you were not a star college athlete.
(Instead, it's probably all about getting up at 5 in the morning for film study, but the other scenario is more comforting.)