TONIGHT THERE'S GONNA BE A JAILBREAK. It was a moderately busy but star-intensive weekend for the Fulmer Cup, so hello, Thin Lizzy live in Australia in 1978. Look at the crowd and know that you cannot outclass Australia for redneck cred. "Oh, yes I can. Do you know how many members of my family are sunburnt ex-convicts who drink a 12 pack a day?" Aussie: "Um, all of them? Like mine?" You: "[surrenders]"
CRIME ONE: Who likes to rock the party? Michael Floyd likes to rock the party. The Notre Dame wideout picked up a misdemeanor DUI in South Bend, which if we know Indiana law enforcement involved a small, discreet arrest that immediately became a SWAT raid by the Indiana Excise Police. This marks Floyd's second DUI arrest in fifteen months, though the sequel is disappointing for its lack of bloodstains, fighting, and zero characters named "Shady." Points to be awarded in Fulmer Cupdate later this afternoon.
CRIME TWO: Mark Barron, Alabama's leading returning tackler, covered for his cousin in a single car accident and received a "hindering prosecution" misdemeanor for his troubles. Our wife was once involved in a jury trial where a guy's alibi for having a stolen car was that a man named "Sam Capers" had let him borrow it. He did not have the number for Mr. Capers, nor an address, nor could identify him. We now add the following name to our list of "Horrible alibis never to use ever":
Barron told the officer his car had been taken without permission by a man he only knew by the nickname "Bull," Levy said.
Bull? Oh yeah, that dude. Always gallavanting about Mobile taking cars willy-nilly. Both crimes will be assessed in a separate update, but to put things in perspective, their totals should equal 5% max of Auburn's aggregate score at the moment.
KENNY STABLER SHOULD SUE JODY HILL FOR EVERY DOLLAR HE HAS. The Snake is so obviously the inspiration for everything Eastbound and Down ever did, since Kenny Powers is at least 60% Kenny Stabler with elements of John Rocker and Mitch Williams thrown in for plausible deniability. If/when Kenny Powers starts his own Tequila line (and that being the most douchebag 1993 idea ever, it is certain to happen,) you'll know we were right since the Snake is marketing his own wine, 12, which goes for $11.99 a bottle and is a way better deal than the Albert Means Chardonnay or the C. Newton Estates Muscadine Sherry. (Both of those are in the luxury range, of course.)
Also: BOAT PICTURE. Ladies, claim you saw a mouse and screamed. It's far more socially acceptable than admitting you just had an orgasm looking at that photo. (HT: Roll Bama Roll)
RYAN SEACREST WAS A "FEISTY" FOOTBALL PLAYER. The only TV person less likely than Seacrest to be a "feisty" high school football player would be Conan, and even then we can see Conan as a jump-ball wideout in endgame situations. As for a quick draft:
- Jay Leno: tackling dummy. If he dies, he dies.
- David Letterman: sarcastic PA announcer
- Jimmy Fallon: Slot receiver. Better than expected moves, but blocking from the Roots makes him seem better than he actually is.
- George Lopez: Weak-side linebacker.
- Craig Ferguson: QB. I dunno why, but he seems like the 9/26, 2 INT type who pulls victory from his ass.
- Jon Stewart: he was a soccer guy, so kicker.
- Stephen Colbert: undersized free safety with penchant for lunatic hits after the whistle.
- Jimmy Kimmel: D-line. More aggressive than you might think. He did used to have sex with Sarah Silverman, after all.
THAT'S CHEATING. Even in the most specious preseason lists, you may no longer call Boise State a BCS Buster, unless you'll let us say things like "Florida's a dark horse contender for the SEC East!" and "Got a good feeling about this Ohio State team!"