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TALE OF THE TAPE: AUBURN'S 2011 HOME INVASION VS. TENNESSEE'S 2009 GAS STATION HOLDUP

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Auburn's haul for the 2011 Fulmer Cup will not be equaled short of a horribawsome disaster-miracle, but how do the intangibles of last week's robbery stand up against the historic actions of the trophy's namesake team? Events of recent unpleasantness in COTG's own college football conference weighed against those that have gone before, evaluated on a scale of sheer dumbassery:

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Final tally: Tennessee 3, Auburn 2. It's like Baby I'm Burnin', only with fewer tears. Try harder next time, Auburn; if you can get rid of your six remaining starters before fall practice we'll cede the NuKeese Richardson Memorial Shithead Tiara to the player-perp of your choosing. God bless.