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RICK NEUHEISEL LIVES, DIES IN THREE-QUARTER TIME

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Rick Neuheisel is in Mexico on vacation, and UCLA does not have a defensive coordinator. This might really happen.

rickybuffett.jpg

 

The offices of UCLA Athletic Director Dan Guerrero, 2:15 p.m. three weeks from this date. Guerrero hangs up the phone, and taps his fingers on his desk. His assistant looks concerned.

Assistant: I have a delivery for you.

Guerrero: I already talked to he PI. He can't find him. Not even a trace.

Assistant: It's a DVD, sir. It's addressed to you.

Guerrero: Is it Mexican pornography?

Assistant: I don't know sir. But it's from Coach Neuheisel.

Guerrero: Then it's definitely not Mexican pornography.

Assistant: We should watch this, sir.

Guerrero: So you're into that, eh? Fine, if you like Asians in pain you go right ahead, but I'm out. I've got to find our football coach.

Assistant: [puts DVD in player.] Just watch it, sir.

[A beach somewhere on the Pacific Coast appears on the screen. A few tourists appear in the background, splashing happily in the surf. A sunbaked Rick Neuheisel strolls onto the screen. He is wearing a turquoise t-shirt, a lei, and cargo shirt. A scruff of blonde fuzz lines his chin. He smiles, and begins strumming a guitar as he walks into the shot.]

Neuheisel: Hello, friends. So good to see you again.

Guerrero: Oh fucking hell.

Neuheisel: I thought I'd just explain it all in song, friends. Sometimes it just all makes more sense that way.

 

[STRUMS]

rickyplays.jpg

 

I took off for a week last month

Just try and make sense of it all

Didn't have Rocky Seto, the tequila was great though

And I wondered if I'd ever return to football

 

I didn't ponder the question too long

Got a mani/pedi, cruised for the bay

Watched two crabs make love, fell asleep in the sun

And I ain't goin' back to L.A.

 

Cause I'm not really a football coach

Never really my main approach

Never too into the gaaaame....

 

With all of my charming

And all the disarming

In the end I'm a dude

Who sets programs aflame

 

[KEY CHANGE, MEDLEY] 

 

[Rick smiles, strums.]

 

I went to law school

Because I am no fool

I keep my contracts covered in oil

 

That makes 'em slippery

Gets me out in a jiffy

When I'm not on American soil...


Dodged it again, again through LegalCheata-ville...

Can't sue me when I'm a lost Mexican gent

Rick Neuheisel Inc, based in Cabo Sandals and founded just this past week, is completely cul-paaa-bul heeeeere

BUT YOU KNOW

[deet deet deet deee deeeee]

I done offshored myself!

[deet deet deet deee deeeee]

 

[SLOWIN' IT DOWN.]

 

You're headed out to find a new coach

For the Bruins, I wish you luck

You'll try those new puppies on,

I'm sure they'll do a good job of actually giving a fuck

But UCLA I surely know

You won't me missing me, no

 

Cause COME LEACH-DAY

It'll be all right

Come LEACH-DAY

He'll be holding you tight


He'll smell like beer and old fish

And at times he's oafish

But he'll lock you in Victory Sheds.


He'll smell like beer and old fish

And at times he's oafish

But he'll lock you in Victory SHEEEEEEHHHHHHHH-EEEEAAAYYYYAAYYYEHHHHHHDS.

 

[someone claps off camera]

 

Neuheisel: Thank you, and GO BRUINS.

 

The assistant turns the television off.

 

Guerrero: Goddammit. I really thought that was going to be some Asian pain porno.

 

Assistant: I didn't think you liked it.

 

Guerrero: Yeah, but you know when your girlfriend or wife recommends something for dinner, and you don't want it, but then you do and can't get it out of your head?

 

Assistant: Absolutely, sir. Would you like some, sir? I can have it sent up right away.

 

Guerrero: Yeah. And speaking of guys who like Asians in pain, gimme Leach's number while you're at it. 

 

[FIN]