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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 2/4/2011

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A WORD IN FAVOR OF CHEESECAKE.

If we're going to complain about Alabama using an attractive dancer in the school-approved uniform, then we have to complain about every tight piece of clothing that every athlete wears, and then we get football players trotting around in rough wool pants in the summer and no one, not even Iowa's training staff, wants that to happen. We know what this is: this is petty complaint in the ongoing SEC recruiting wars, and just one more sign that this will get out of hand, and when it does there will be a program laying there like Shameek from 212, bleeding from the head after NCAA sanctions ring out in the night. 

Don't impugn innocent cheesecake, though. It is a cultural institution, the literally cheeky display of feminine beauty that still respects the woman while admitting that it would like to see just the very edge of her buttock or breast, but just a peek, please. Briana, you are beautiful, no matter what they say. Christina Aguilera taught us that and how to wear a thong dominatrix bikini. For both we are eternally grateful, because we hate to be bothered in public and wearing one of those at 220 pounds is a great way to avoid all social contact.

(And you know this was Auburn who complained, which is LOOLLLLLLLLsome as hell.)

BO PELINI IS A FUN INTERVIEW. Even Corn Nation agrees that late staff changes overshadowed a 15th ranked Nebraska recruiting class, Pelini's best yet in his tenure thus far. The signing day press conference was awkward enough, but it gets ever-so-much worse when a recruit finds out via Facebook that the position coach who recruited him has left the university. Bo Pelini's official response later this afternoon will be to rip a live goat apart in front of the media, stare at them red-faced and close to tears of rage, and then disappear back into the football offices to let a horrified Tom Osborne explain what the hell just happened. #luvuPelinibros

TENNESSEE LIKES THEM YOUNG. This has always been the case in the hills of Tennessee, where recruiting the young for your services is like finding a stout tree before fall knocks its leaves from its branches, and leaves here represent teeth. But really, Tennessee is still going to 70% underclassmen this year. Stare and be amazed at the job Derek Dooley has done thus far, both because he's managed to say all kinds of crazy shit with impunity in a very straitlaced state, and because he's doing an excellent job working the baby room of the SEC Daycare Center.

WESLYE SAUNDERS LEARNS THAT PAPERWORK IS NOT THE ENEMY. The enemy is you for not filling it out, son.

WE'RE A LITTLE SHORT AT THE QUARTERBACK POSITION, WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE LAST YEAR WE HAD THREE SHITTY ONES.  There was zero chance either would remain at quarterback in Charlie Weis' pro-style offense, so reading that Trey Burton and Jordan Reed are moving to other positions is not exactly shocking. Reed could benefit immensely from the move since Weis' offenses have leaned on the tight end heavily, especially in the red zone. Reed could also end up at fullback, and we're going to have to look up that position because we don't know what that is and haven't for six years now. 

Burton is less of a known quantity, though some kind of slot receiver arrangement could work out well enough for him provided he learns himself some basic receiver protocols. (He's a smart enough player to do that in a hurry, and it's not like anyone else can boast a hell of a lot of experience at catching the ball and doing anything with it, now, can they?)

THIS IS A STORY FROM THE PAST FOUR YEARS. UCLA quarterbacks remain under the sway of malicious Native American spirit curses.