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NEW UGA BUILDING HAS THAT WOW FACTOR

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Oh, let's go in on that and the opening today of the new Butts-Mehre Athletics Center at UGA.

  • Amazing "Designated Driver" available for any employee on request.
  • A man holding a stick standing next to a tank with a live alligator in it. He has instructions to beat this alligator at least once every seven years.
  • Changed name of the place to Butt-Smear Center. Just daring you to say some shit. 
  • Innovative "Garbage Can" technology the University hopes to spread to rest of state. (Target date for universal use: 2093.)
  • Grocery store inside sells cash and carry liquor, wine, and beer on Sundays.
  • Massive mound of PCP on display in lobby. (Bequeathed by Estate of James Brown.)
  • John Isner at gunpoint hitting tennis balls against back wall of building forever. 
  • "Matt Stafford's Magic Futon" Exhibit, funded by the Grope Scholarship and Trojan Condoms.
  • Sentient computer controlling all building functions speaks in voice of Larry Munson, and often makes racy comments to ladies on their way out of the restroom.
  • Amazing new "weight room" with "bar-bells" and "weight-controlling vibro-belts." 
  • A basketball court, though no one's sure why.
  • An original arcade edition of "Don Leeburn's Punch-Out."
  • Red panty vending machine in lobby.
  • Tiny note at bottom of deed that reads "Lienholder: Steven Orr Spurrier."