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FRANK BEAMER REPLACES DIET 7-UP WITH OLD DIET SLICE

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Sean Glennon deserves some kind of award for not actually doing this to himself in Brian Stinespring's offense at Virginia Tech.
Sean Glennon deserves some kind of award for not actually doing this to himself in Brian Stinespring's offense at Virginia Tech.

We like to recall the lost vintage soft drinks of yesteryear. Diet Rite was the now-extinct beverage Ma Swindle bought, for example, to have something in the house her locust-children would not consume. She even kept it warm in the case, right there on the counter, in order to ensure her lazy children would not acquire a taste for the hideous-tasting diet beverage and because she knew we would not go to the lengths of getting a glass, getting ice, and preparing a cold beverage.

She was right. Instead, we just learned to swig down Diet Rite warm out of the can because water was for pussies, and because children will consume anything put in a can that their parents drink. You assume these things just die ignominious market-driven deaths, but holy shit--Diet Rite lives, and is still on sale somewhere in the RC Cola Metropolitan Market Profile.* You can still buy Tab, Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb Xtra, and every other soft drink you thought had gone the way of the nine-step drop somewhere in this world, proving that old mediocre brands never die, they just go get sold at Dollar General.

Enter Mike O'Cain, the new playcaller for Virginia Tech. If you could remember that this man once lost his job to Chuck Amato, you qualify for the next round of football Jeopardy, where you will duel Phil Steele and Matt Hinton, two supercomputers created specifically for this purpose. You will lose, and it will be amusing. 

Hinton speculates (along with others) that O'Cain, who worked with Beamer way the hell back when in the early 80s* at Murray State, that Beamer sees O'Cain as being more compatible with Logan Thomas, a pocket passer with abundant arm but who is slightly less nimble than Tyrod Taylor. This by logical extension equals more of a shot at a BCS title, something Beamer clearly hankers for as he approaches his mid-60s.

More importantly, it represents at least a partial concession to those who have gently suggested that Stinespring, for lack of a better word, has been a catshit burrito as far as coordinating an offense goes. Taylor by himself was almost entirely responsible for Virginia Tech offense soaring to 41st in the nation last year, freeing up coverages on blanketed receivers with his mobility and underplayed ability as a play-action passer. Prior to the Taylor era the Hokies suffered through a three-year offensive wallow unequalled in major respectable football: 99th in total offense in 2006, 100th, in 2007, and 103rd in 2008. 

How Stinespring held on this long is a curiosity in itself, but his demotion makes sense if you imagine Beamer looking at a pocket passer coming down the pipeline and thinking "And here comes Sean Glennon again." That is not the eyebrow-raising bit here, because that sounds like a horrible thing to watch twice. 

The weird part is going to an assistant who Clemson fans still quietly curse under their breath who...well, who frankly we'd sort of forgotten existed. Like discount soda, coaches never really go away. Mike O'Cain, like Mike Archer at NC State or Diet Rite at Dollar General, has been there on the shelf the whole time. Chances are the aftertaste hasn't changed much in any of their cases.

*Would bet money you can get it in Chattanooga. All crappy products are on sale in Chattanooga at all times.

*Frank Beamer in the early 80s had three tapes in his truck: Alabama's Mountain Music, Hank Williams Jr's Whiskey Bent and Hell-Bound, and Dolly Parton's Heartbreaker. These are probably still in that truck.