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This is not real. It is satire. Knives are sharp. Water is wet.

TAMPA, FL (AP) -- Lane Kiffin may have been fishing for an invite to a reality show, but Skip Holtz isn't one to hint. He'll just straight out say he's interested, and not just in the usual kind of show. 

"Yeah, it's a great idea, but I'd sort of like something more intimate and personal without interfering with spring practices," said the USF coach in a teleconference yesterday.

Holtz did talk some football in his conference with reporters on Wednesday. He also admitted that not only is he a fan of Hard Knocks, but also of other cable television shows like HBO's True Blood and especially Showtime's Dexter.

"Oh, I'd love to see something like that, but with a college football coach."

Holtz, who went 8-5 and closed the season with a victory over Clemson in the Meineke Car Care Bowl, expounded about his ideas for a show very similar to the Showtime hit about a serial killer with a very special honor code.

"I mean, it's a great show, but imagine the drama of something like, say, a football coach raised by another serial killer who taught him the ropes? And that they share this bond, and he has to hide it by changing jobs every few years just like his dad, since you know there's only so many marshes and rugged lakesides to hide bodies in?"

When asked his next question about the lack of staff changes in the offseason, Holtz reiterated his pleasure and simultaneous disappointment that quarterbacks coach Peter Vass was considered for but did not get the Boston College offensive coordinator's job. 

"When you have opportunities for your staff, it means they're doing something right, and as disappointed as I was for him professionally I'm still thrilled to have him back doing a great job for us." 

Holtz then returned to the subject of his hypothetical television series.

"Golly, and imagine if a guy like this hypothetical football coach in a place like Tampa, where the coastline is's just endless, really. And the endless wash of transient evildoers through here, people no one would miss? People who could disappear in the plastic-lined trunk of a car without anyone blinking, paralyzed by an unassuming man with a hypodermic needle full of fish toxin? Whew! I don't know about you, but I'm already interested."

Holtz also commented on the Bulls' off-season conditioning program.

"I haven't seen them, but I know they're all working hard out there. The reports are good, and we'll see what our freshman are really made of here. Now you know, going back to the tv show thing: all the while the guy's coaching football. Like he's normal! Geez, this thing's drama! It's got everything: a sympathetic hero, drama, football, a villain in the form of the fellow serial killer/coach he replaces at this school?"

"I mean, I'm excited for this. Both for spring practice and for this purely fictional show I just thought up right here."

USF Spring Practice starts on March 3rd.