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DEANTRE LEWIS CAN CREDIT HIS STREET-TESTED BUTTOCKS FOR HIS SURVIVAL

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Arizona State running back DeAntre Lewis was shot in the ass over the weekend by a stray bullet in his hometown of Norco, Calicornia. Lewis, second in the team in total rushing last year, will recover fully, mostly thanks to what Dennis Erickson called "the perfect mix of musculature and fat that makes up Lewis' unparalleled and flawless assmeat." Erickson didn't actually say this, nor did he suggest that he would even be more obsessed with the beautiful young man now that his ass was made even more beautiful by the hint of violence the bullet wound's scar left, but you know in some Death in Venice parallel universe he did.

Best of luck to Lewis and all due relief that he wasn't harmed, but we would be shoddy Pharcyde fans if we did not point out that he did just get shot in the ass on the downstroke. If you're keeping a list of active players who have been shot and who will play football this fall, it's a short one: DeAntre Lewis of Arizona State and OL Matt Patchan of Florida. Let's keep it to those two, random bullets of America.