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OHIO STATE EMBRACES THE TWO EARTHS METHOD OF STAFFING

By Spencer Hall

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Two earths. Two Urbans. Two staffs.
Two earths. Two Urbans. Two staffs.

Ohio State was given a waiver by the NCAA allowing them to function with what are basically two coaching staffs, according to some writer named "AP." One under Luke Fickell will prepare for the Gator Bowl and the Florida Gators (with new offensive coordinator COACH PLAYSTATION.) The other will be Urban Meyer and his still inchoate coaching staff, a group that will do no actual coaching per the waiver, but may do recruiting as long as no more than seven total are recruiting.

OSU AD Gene Smith says this is "normal," thus answering the PSA questions "When is having two coaching staffs normal?" The answer: "On Gene Smith, it is." Since Ohio State fans are new to Urban's methods, let us lay out precisely why Urban Meyer is doing this.

  1. These staffs will be assembled and briefed on rules of engagement.
  2. These staffs will be placed in an eight-sided cage and made to fight to the death.
  3. Winners remain on staff. Losers will be sold for parts, and their fingers distributed to winners.

Tournament numbers will be uneven, so Jim Bollman will fight a walrus. (Either way it happens, one ends up with a walrus who can't coach football.) Meyer used the same technique at Florida to determine who would stay from [NAME REDACTED]'s staff, but only one coach managed to game the system by killing every single coach on staff and declaring himself champion. Sometimes, sitting in his leather recliner in his home in Louisville, Charlie Strong still remembers that day. He takes a deep breath and laughs. Oh, how he laughs.