Oh you best believe it's all caps time.
Wait, whaa--
OMG OMG OMG OMG wait maybe that's a parody account that's happened before wait let's just see here--NO WAYYY HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.
LET'S GET EXCITED! IT'S ALL-CAPS TIME! WOOOOOOOO
/CHUGS WHOLE BOTTLE OF MIDORI
GOODBYE YOU FAT PIECE OF WHALE FECES OMG THEY TOLD US BUT WE THOUGHT, "OH NO, MAYBE IT'S DIFFERENT. SURE HE WAS THIS INSECURE DIPSHIT AT NOTRE DAME WHO WOULD PULL OUT HIS CELLPHONE FOR PEOPLE AND SAY 'OH LOOK, I CAN CALL WASHED-UP 80S HAIR BAND GUYS JUST TO IMPRESS NO ONE ISN'T THAT COOL." WE THOUGHT, "OH HE WON'T YELL AT UNDERLINGS FOR NOT PROVIDING HIM WITH A GOLF CART SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WALK BETWEEN BUILDINGS AT 5 IN THE MORNING." HAHAHA LIKE COMING IN EARLY EVER HELPED ANYONE SMART ANYWAY MIKE LEACH AND DANA HOLGORSEN COME IN AT 9 BECAUSE YOU DUMBASSES NOTHING HAPPENS BEFORE THEN ANYWAY AND YOU'RE JUST APING THOSE OLD 80S MANAGEMENT THINGS THAT ARE LIKE "DURR IF YOU'RE NOT TALENTED OR SMART YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS" AND THAT'S HOW YOU END UP WITH SLEEP-DEPRIVED ASSHOLES ACCIDENTALLY MAKING BILLION DOLLAR TRADES FOR FIVE PIECES OF STYROFOAM AND A MAN UNITED JERSEY. ABUTA MABALELE THANKS YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY DUMBASS AND GOOD LUCK FINDING HIM HIM BECAUSE LAGOS IS HUGE AND YOU ARE STUPID.
WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE DIFFERENT AND IGNORED SWINDLE'S RULE NUMBER ONE:
1. ASSUME PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE AND THAT THEY WILL KEEP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES WITHOUT IMPROVEMENT.
AHAHAHAAHAHHAA GOOD JOKE ON US LIFE YOU'RE JUST THE BEST.
SO THEN WE GET A WHOLE SEASON OF YOU AND HOOOOBOY WAS IT FUN. I AM NOT AN OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR AND COULD NEVER BE BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND CERTAIN COMPLEX CONCEPTS. LIKE TAKING YOUR TWO FASTEST PLAYERS AND RAMMING THEM INTO THE OFFENSIVE LINE LIKE THEY WERE 260 POUND FULLBACKS. MAYBE THAT'S JUST THAT AMAZING NFL ACUMEN I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU KNOW THE KIND OF BRILLIANCE THAT YOU GET IN A DAN HENNING OR DARE I SAY AN AMAZING OFFENSIVE MIND LIKE FORMER NFL GUYS BILL CALLAHAN OR MIKE SHULA I KNOW THOSE ARE PRETTY IMPORTANT NAMES BUT WITH YOUR FOUR SUPER BOWL RINGS--
--HOLY SHIT BILL BELICHICK MUST BE THE GREATEST COACH IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE AND DO EVERY JOB HIMSELF BECAUSE HIS UNDERLINGS ARE SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID AND PEOPLE JUST KEEP EATING THEM UP LIKE DOGS CLEANING UP THE THINGS THAT FALL OFF THE MORGUE WAGON--
--BUT YEAH, WITH THOSE FOUR SUPER BOWL RINGS DID HE MENTION THOSE THAT SOMEONE ELSE BASICALLY WON FOR HIM WE DON'T GET TO QUESTION WHY YOU TRIED TO FEATURE THE TIGHT END IN GAMES WHERE OUR BEST TIGHT END WAS INJURED. WE DON'T REALLY GET TO QUESTION THE BRILLIANCE OF HAVING YOUR OFFENSIVE LINE RUN BACKWARDS AT THE SNAP OR OF NOT PUTTING YOUR BEST RUNNING BACK ON THE FIELD OR OF JUST RUNNING HOPELESS DEEP BALLS THROWN BY A QUARTERBACK CLEARLY FEELING THE VERY LAST OF HIS ATHLETIC POTENTIAL SUCK DOWN THE DRAIN LIKE SO MUCH VAPORIZED GASOLINE LEAVING THE TANK.
WE DON'T GET TO QUESTION THAT BECAUSE CLEARLY AFTER PRODUCING OFFENSES THAT AT THE COLLEGE LEVEL AVERAGE A RANKING OF 63RD, WE DON'T GET TO QUESTION THE METHODS OR TACTICS OF A GUY WHO CLEARLY ISN'T ONE OF THOSE HACKY COLLEGE GUYS WHO DO THINGS LIKE "SCORE POINTS" OR "TRY TO SCORE POINTS." NO YOU'RE ABOUT SOMETHING DEEPER AND MORE SPECIAL AND WE WONT' GET IT BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY ABOVE OUR HEADS JUST LIKE THE PASSES IN OUR OFFENSE GOING INTO THE HANDS OF GIDDY DBS.
WE ALSO DON'T GET TO QUESTION YOUR COMMITMENT:
YEAH THE REASONS YOU CAME HERE WHATEVER I DON'T CARE I ASSUME YOU CAME WITH A SKI MASK ON AND SHOULD LEAVE WITH ONE BECAUSE YOU STOLE MONEY AT NOTRE DAME AND YOU STOLE MONEY FROM FLORIDA AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO KANSAS AND THAT MAKES YOU SOME KIND OF SUBTROPICAL DEPRESSION THAT GUSTS INTO PRESS CONFERENCES RAINS TURNOVERS ON AN OFFENSE AND THEN SUCKS THE CASH OUT OF THE AIR BEFORE BLOWING INTO THE NEXT STOP. WE BOUGHT THE MONORAIL. WE DIDN'T SEE A WICKED THING COMING THIS WAY. WE WROTE THE CHECK AND SAID SURE YOU SEEM TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO LOST TO GREG ROBINSON AT SYRACUSE ON YOUR OWN HALLOWED HOME FIELD.
THEN YOU LEAVE AND THAT'S GREAT. SERIOUSLY I WOULD HAVE THROWN BATTERIES AT YOU AT THE BOWL GAME. YOU THINK I'M JOKING BUT I'M NOT MY FRIEND JON SAID "I'M GOING TO THROW BATTERIES AT HIM" AND FOR ONCE THIS MADE SO MUCH EMOTIONAL SENSE TO ME. I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER. MY HATE AND FRUSTRATION WOULD HAVE CHARGED THE BATTERY AND THEN LEFT ME IN ONE CATHARTIC JOLT IN A CLEAN TRANSFER OF ENERGY FROM ME TO THE BATTERY TO YOUR WORTHLESS CARCASS. I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER EVEN WITH THE MISDEMEANOR ASSAULT CHARGE. I REALLY WOULD HAVE ESPECIALLY AFTER I WATCHED YOU MAKE UP THAT BULLSHIT PLAN FOR THE GEORGIA GAME AND WATCHED US DIE IN PERSON FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF SERIOUSLY YOU OWE JOHN BRANTLEY SEVEN YEARS ON HIS LIFE.
BUT YOU DON'T EVEN TELL YOUR HEAD COACH AND THEN LEAVE HIM HIGH AND DRY BEFORE THE BOWL GAME ON A BIG RECRUITING WEEKEND? IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU BEFOUL THE OFFICE RESTROOM. IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU USE ALL THE TOILET PAPER AND MAKE THE REST OF US FEAR THE CREEPING STENCH FRONT PREVIEWING ITSELF IN THE UNFORTUNATE CUBE OF AIR RESTING IN FRONT OF THE DOOR NOOOOOOO YOU WALTZ OUT AND YELL HEY GUYS SOMEONE SHOULD CALL JANITORIAL BECAUSE SOMEONE JUST PUT A BANGLADESHI GARBAGE BARGE IN THAT BATHROOOM AND IT'S NOT GONNA BE ME. YOU PROBABLY MADE DRAMATIC FANNING MOTIONS WITH THE COPY OF FHM YOU WERE READING TOO YOU UNBELIEVABLE CRAPSPOUT OF A PERSON.
I HOPE DANA HOLGORSEN SELLS YOU FOR SCRAP THAT IS ONLY BOUGHT BY PLACES THAT ARE LIKE NOOOOO THAT REGULAR SCRAP IS TOO CLASSY FOR US WE NEED SOME MADE OF SCRAP THAT WENT BAD AND ALMOST LOST TO FURMAN. I HOPE YOU MAKE A BOWL GAME IN SHREVEPORT AND LOSE BY 30 TO WAKE FOREST. I HOPE KANSAS FANS REFLECT ON YOUR TENURE AND SAY "YOU KNOW MARK MANGINO WAS AN AGREEABLE PERSON IN CONTRAST TO HIM." I HOPE YOUR ASSISTANTS TAKE JOBS COACHING WITH NICK SABAN JUST TO FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.
I HOPE YOU LOSE EVERY FUCKING GAME YOU COACH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF ARMADILLO SHIT.
NOW LET'S DANCE.
Loading comments...