BIG TEN MAY SUFFER MACTION OUTBREAK

Toledo's Tim Beckman may have already taken the vacant Illinois job. This is not horrible news for Illinois, and that should be made clear before anything else is said. Beckman is a promising coach with a pedigree that includes stints coaching for Urban Meyer and Jim "Jim" Tressel, and took a Toledo program swirling towards the depths and led it back to a bowl and general respectability. (Remember Toledo having a points-shaving scandal? Now you do.)

It is horrible news for the Big Ten, since a full outbreak of MACtion may be taking place. Its effects are known. Defenses will develop debilitating cataracts in the first quarter, and suddenly judge all passes and pursuit angles incorrectly. Extra points will be missed, fumbles will occur, and a general sense of disorder and lack of control will ensue. Doctors may be asking: how is this any different from the "Jim Bollman's Disease?" Simple: the presence of points differentiates the two, as does the presence of discarded fish skeletons in Bollman's Disease.

The disease is not fatal, but it is contagious, and could easily spread to large sections of the Big Ten. A question: could a theoretical MACtion infection spread to the SEC through interaction with the Big Ten? The answer is no. SEC football is currently fighting a countervailing infection of Sabandronopathy, a wasting away of the circulation of vital fluids during a football game. This disease is largely fatal, though some patients mysteriously live on and even thrive with the disease.*

*Doctors suspect LSU is immune, either because of the presence of the Les Miles antibody, or because years of living in Louisiana has given them so many parasites and viruses that one more can't possibly do any damage.