Each year in the U.S., tens of college athletic apartments learn they have Big East. Dozens more may be afflicted but not even know - a recent study suggested that as many as 45% of Big East members were unaware of their conference affiliation, as they'd never been tested.
"I could have been B.E. Less." - Connecticut
"B.E. less statistic. I don't, I don't know if that grammatically makes sense but I have to get the hell out of here." - Rutgers
Now there's hope. Now, there's Holgosil. The only vaccine that may protect you from the 4 types of economic need that may cause affiliation with up to 70% of the entry factors that lead you to join the Big East.
"But I thought you could avoid Big East just by being careful to only schedule teams that look good!" - North Carolina State
Members of the Big East don't always display the usual symptoms - lack of poll ranking, losses to FCS teams, stadiums with 15 percent capacity. Big East can happen to any school at any time. Just one year ago, Boise State were the darlings of the college football world. Everyone wanted a piece of the blue turf. Now? They've got Big East.
Holgosil is only a vaccine, so it can't treat or cure Big East. (Sorry, Louisville.) Even if you take Holgosil, be sure to practice a safe and responsible out of conference lifestyle. Holgosil is not for the treatment of ACC Syndrome, and ACC-sufferers taking Holgosil may develop losses to Wake Forest.
"Dr. Dana, how does Holgosil work?" - The Food and Drug Administration
"Uh, well, you see when you run what many like to call 'four verts' against a conference the trick is really to make sure you're keeping the safeties honest. It's really more of a matchup issue than anything and I think a few looks at this… *runs out of the room*"
"I want to be one less Big East conference member. One less. PLEASE. OH GOD." - Todd Graham
Side effects of Holgosil may include being ejected from casinos, financially crippling lawsuits, extra points that are inadvertently good but result in inexcusable conference losses the next week, and being Boston College. Do not take Holgosil if your basketball team is way better than your football team. If you begin to experience thoughts of lobbying for a Big East-Serie A superleague, stop taking Holgosil immediately. Should you experience an erection while taking Holgosil that lasts longer than five hours, stop frontin' - you're not Holgo and you never will be.
"You can be B.E. less - ask your doctor about Holgosil today. I know I'm glad I did."