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GUYS CALM DOWN WE'RE GONNA BE FINE

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NOTE:Please see addendum/update/correction below. The general point still stands.

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Guys, chill. It'll be fine. You might be an Alabama fan, and panicking about "oh my God, there's no way they could vote in Oklahoma State over us, because that's never happened---[checks 2006 and passes out.] Meanwhile, Oklahoma State fans are busy denigrating Alabama's schedule, pointing and laughing at their offense, and enlightening the general public as to the exact magnitude of Iowa State's unknown powers. ("They'd win 9 games in the SEC, and 10 in the Pac-12, and 19 in the Big East. There aren't even that many games in a season, but that's just how good they are! WE'RE NOT BORING WE SWEAR.")

Stop. It's going to be fine. Sometime between now and tomorrow night, the voters of the Coaches' Poll and Harris Poll are going to shoe this rascally mule. The coaches have staff members filling out their cards for them, and have watched maybe 50% of the games at best, but no, no REALLY: THEY'VE GOT THIS.

The Harris Poll will fix that possible error, though. Composed of a crew of voters who surely have viewed every important game and taken careful notes on the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team, The Harris Poll voters are there to counterbalance the hyperfocused votes of coaches with a more cosmopolitan perspective. Members include:

  • Trev Alberts. No, really.
  • Ed Podolak. Has voted Iowa at all 25 slots for six years running.
  • Al Del Greco.
  • Jack White. Not the guitarist/singer/songwriter, but shit, he'd be just as knowledgeable.
  • Jeff Blake and Boomer Esiason. Being former Bengals, we have no idea what they know about football at any level.
  • This next one is for real please no really---
  • JERRY SANDUSKY.

Dammit. We're all going to die.

ADDENDUM/CORRECTION. That's an old list. Here's the new, equally mockable list. New and exciting voters!

  • Gus Frerotte. [HEADBUTTS BALLOT]
  • Lloyd Carr. We all know he's been building tiny sailboats in bottles and reading Stephen Ambrose 24/7 since his retirement.
  • Jackie Sherrill. Hey T. Boone: if one voter on this list likes to deal in cash, you know [nudges head towards this name]
  • Rich Brooks. We love Rich, but he's been too busy bankrupting casinos, punching monster river trout in the face, and making love to doomed dames to watch games. (And that's fine, Rich. That's totally fine.)