The EDSBS staff interpreted and rewrote the SEC schedule to reflect each team's unique situation going into the 2012 season. Enjoy? Enjoy.
ARKANSAS
Now with unique "all-neutral field" arrangement!
Sept. 15: vs. Tennessee (LP Field)
Sept. 29: vs. Texas A&M (Cowboys Stadium)
Oct. 6: vs. Kentucky (Paul Brown Stadium)
Oct. 13: vs. Georgia (Georgia Dome)
Oct. 27: vs. Florida (Raymond James Stadium)
Nov. 10: vs. Missouri (Edward Jones Dome)
Nov. 24: vs. Mississippi State (Mall of America Field)
When reached for comment about this unusual schedule, Coach Bobby Petrino had this to say. "The rumors that I'm at all interested in another job are absurd. I'm exactly where I want to be, and we've started building something here that I plan to see grow until we reach our goal - getting the San Diego Chargers back into the playoffs. Shit, wait, don't print that."
ALABAMA.
As always, the SEC has arranged a schedule balanced between "slights to the astonishingly insecure Yellowhammer's perceived lack of intellect" and "its raging need to portray itself as an underdog even in gunfights against hordes of unarmed, cooing babies."
Sept. 15: at Arkansas. the defending national champs having to open on the road? WHERE'S THE RESPECT, PAWWWWLLLL? [This brought to you by Hoover Liposuction And Car Title Loan.)
Sept. 29: OLE MISS. An FCS team ain't doin' anything for anyone. Bama's just better than that.
Oct. 13: at Missouri. But they're the new kids on the block, PAWWLLLLL? Why they disrespectin' us by sending us to Missouri? All that porn and legal dildoin' offends my sensibilities. [Brought to you by Dr. Schackow's Low-T Clinic For Masculine Health and Hooters.]
Oct. 20: at Tennessee. I heard Clay Travis say Nick Saban had an NCAA exemption to never have to play a home game again. Clay Travis ain't fer Bama, PAWWLLLLLL.
Oct. 27: MISSISSIPPI STATE. They tellin' us to go west? You know who else they told to go west? The Indians. Racism ain't dead, PAWWWLLLL.
Nov. 3: at LSU. Disrespected us by not trying to score a single touchdown last year. Runnin' DOWN the score? Why, that's the most disrespectful thing of all.
Nov. 10: TEXAS A&M. If you twist these letters 'round, you get SAX & MEAT. Bible says you can't be mixin' jazz and barbeque, PAWWWWWLLL!
Nov. 24: AUBURN. We already proved we were better last year. The jury's out. How many times you gonna make us prove this, Mike Slive? CONSPIRACY. [
AUBURN
In this turbulent economy, it is important to be prepared for anything. Update your resume!
Sept. 8: at Mississippi State. Creating a new resume is fun and easy.
Sept. 22: LSU. A resume isn't just your list of achievements. A resume should tell people who you are!
Oct. 6: ARKANSAS. Be sure to emphasize your best qualities and strengths.
Oct. 13: at Ole Miss. Detail past achievements, but don't embellish. Let them stand on their own.
Oct. 20: at Vanderbilt. You don't need to list all your past work experiences, just the ones most relevant to the position.
Oct. 27: TEXAS A&M. Be concise, but include all necessary information.
Nov. 10: GEORGIA. Provide references.
Nov. 24: at Alabama. Make sure you constantly update your resume. You never know where life will take you!
FLORIDA
Sept. 8: at Texas A&M. The Boomdha holds the pose of winning an murky, inconclusive game on the road.
Sept. 15: at Tennessee. The Boomdha shows the pose of cruelty to a friend.
Sept. 22: KENTUCKY. The Boomdha trods heavily upon the helpless earthworm
Oct. 6: LSU. The Boomdha is confounded by a hat, which is both empty yet carries so much.
Oct. 13: at Vanderbilt. The Boomdha loses to the scholar, and ponders the lotus just kidding he eats some power bars and stares at film for 18 hours straight.
Oct. 20: SOUTH CAROLINA. The Boomdha considers the mystery of the cock.
Oct. 27: vs. Georgia (Jacksonville) The Boomdha regrets whatever his hire was at offensive coordinator, probably.
Nov. 3: MISSOURI. The Boomdha wonders is the glass is truly 'jumbo' or if our collective hands are just small.
GEORGIA
We at the SEC try to foster a caring but challenging learning environment for all of our students, but mostly Georgia.
Sept. 8: at Missouri. Open play, followed by nutritious breakfast.
Sept. 22: VANDERBILT. Brisk outdoor play. Constructive group activities including team exercises like "the Parachute Game" and no-contact Red Rover.
Sept. 29: TENNESSEE. Mid-morning nutritious snack (celery and peanut butter.)
Oct. 6: at South Carolina. We will discuss winter activities and create a collage of winter images from old magazines.
Oct. 20: at Kentucky. Naptime.
Oct. 27: vs. Florida (Jacksonville) More brisk outdoor play. Those who can will be encouraged to play cooperatively with sporting equipment and balls.
Nov. 3: OLE MISS. Songtime and dancing.
Nov. 10: at Auburn. We will discuss farm animals and the noises they make.
KENTUCKY
Sept. 8: at Duke
Sept. 22: WAKE FOREST
Oct. 6: NC STATE
Oct. 13: at Clemson
Oct. 20: at Virginia
Oct. 27: MIAMI
Nov. 10: VIRGINIA TECH
Nov. 24: at Maryland.
We want to make this relationship work, Kentucky, but that requires a trial separation. People change, honey. It used to be adorable when we'd come home and find you curled up in the bathtub, still dressed, soaked in your own urine and sweat and some other bodily fluid the lab couldn't identify. But that's not what we need anymore. We need space, and we both need time to figure out who we are. You can still play Louisville. You don't mind if we...hang out with them, do you? Don't make this weird.
LSU
Baton Rouge. Shit, I'm still in Baton Rouge.
Sept. 22: at Auburn. The heads. You're looking at the heads. I, uh – sometimes he goes too far, you know – he's the first one to admit it!
Oct. 6: at Florida. Hey, man, you don't talk to the Hat. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense.
Oct. 13: SOUTH CASTLEVANIA. That's right, Jack. The man is clear in his mind, but his soul is mad.
Oct. 20: at Texas Truth&M. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say "Hello" to him, right?
Nov. 3: JUPITER AND ALL OF ITS MOONS. And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life?'
Nov. 10: FLATLAND. 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'..." – I mean, I'm no, I can't – I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man.
Nov. 17: NOT A GAME, BUT SOMETHING LIKE A METAPHYSICAL CHALLENGE WITH YOURSELF IN A YUCCA HAMMOCK SOMEWHERE IN THE OCALA NATIONAL FOREST. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas – I mean –
Nov. 24: at Arkansas. The horror. The horror, man.
OLE MISS
Sept. 29: at Alabama. Roulette Cylinder. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes.
Oct. 6: TEXAS A&M. Descending Lamp Grasper. Gets arm caught in hold, tears all ligaments in shoulder. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes
Oct. 13: AUBURN. Salmon Ladder. Falls on first rung leap. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes.
Oct. 27: at Arkansas. Jumping Spider: jumps, slips, bangs head. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes.
Nov. 3: at Georgia. Log Grip. Loses grip at last second. Slams into wall. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes.
Nov. 10: VANDERBILT. Halfpipe Attack! Gets winded, gives up. No liver flukes.
Nov. 17: at LSU. Tarzan Jump! Burns hands on rope, misses. Lands in scary brown water and gets liver flukes.
Nov. 24: MISSISSIPPI STATE. Wall Lifting! Drops wall on hands eleven times before becoming trapped beneath wall. Is comforted by new best friend, giant blob of liver flukes.
MISSISSIPPI STATE
Sept. 8: AUBURN. .WE HATE YOUR UPPITY WAYS! STOP SNEERING AT OUR WESTERN AUTO! IT HAS THE BEST COCKFIGHTS IN THE COUNTY ON THURSDAY NIGHTS! STOP SNEERING AT THE WORD "COCKFIGHTS!" IT'S THE SPORT OF DUKES!
Oct. 6: at Kentucky. YOUR BASKETBALL COACH IS SUCCESSFUL! THAT IRRITATES EVERYONE!
Oct. 13: TENNESSEE. NO OTHER STATE CHOSE A PARALLELOGRAM, BUT YOU HAD TO BE CUTE, DIDN'T YOU 18TH CENTURY GEOGRAPHERS? DIDN'T YOU?
Oct. 27: at Alabama. AWFULLY PROUD OF A TOWN THAT'S BEEN HUFFIN' OUR DOWNWIND FART-BREEZE FOR TWO HUNDRED YEARS, AIN'T YA?
Nov. 3: TEXAS A&M. OUR ICE CREAM'S BETTER AND OUR WOMEN AREN'T HORSES UNLESS WE WANT 'EM TO BE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I KNOW IT'S BAD FER YOU, 'PARDNER.'
Nov. 10: at LSU. HALF-MUSKRAT AND HALF-DRUNK AIN'T A WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE, LSU FANS, BUT YOU CAN'T HELP YOUR BLOOD. THE SMELL, HOWEVER, IS A WHOLE OTHER MATTER.
Nov. 17: ARKANSAS. YOU'VE BEEN GOVERNED BY A SENTIENT TERMITE BOUND IN JONESBORO FOR 49 YEARS AND NO ONE'S NOTICED CARED OR EVEN SAID HUMANS WOULD DO A BETTER JOB. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK YOU NEAR-MISSOURIANS.
Nov. 24: at Ole Miss. TIES ARE FOR DEAD MEN AND YANKEES. THAT'S REDUNDANT, BUT STOP WEARING THEM ANYWAY AND WE'LL THINK ABOUT CALLING YOU MEN. ALSO, LADIES PINCH AND WHORES ROUGE, LADIES OF OLE PISS.
MIZZOU
Sept. 8: GEORGIA. These people don't seem so bad.
Sept. 22: at South Carolina. Did he just call me "a pigfucker?" That seems uncalled for. Does this state have police?
Oct. 6: VANDERBILT. Where is everyone?
Oct. 13: ALABAMA. Oh god.
Oct. 27: KENTUCKY. Well, this isn't so bad.
Nov. 3: at Florida. There wasn't even a border. That was the most disturbing part of all. We just walked across, and they let us do it. After that, savages. All around, the savages.
Nov. 10: at Tennessee. We are a nation of the damned.
Nov. 24: at Texas A&M. [weeping, tears, despair for the future of humanity.]
SOUTH CAROLINA
Aug. 30: OLE MISS
Sept. 22: OLE MISS
Sept. 29: OLE MISS
Oct. 6: OLE MISS
Oct. 13: at Alabama
Oct. 20: at Alabama
Oct. 27: at Alabama
Nov. 10: at Alabama.
Trust us, Gamecock fans. This version of "start out hot and then collapse in agonizing fashion down the stretch" is a LOT better than the current schedule, which has you losing to Florida and Tennessee back-to-back.
TENNESSEE.
Just awkward future Dooley quotes from uncomfortable exchanges with reporters.
Sept. 15: FLORIDA. "It's not like we expected to win this game. I'd like to, but we're just not a very good football team right now."
Sept. 29: at Georgia. "Well, that's what happens when you're playing three ineligible homeless men you picked up from a blood bank in the secondary due to injuries. Y'all don't print that, but that's what we did."
Oct. 13: at Mississippi State. "Excuse me, what year did you go to college? Ever played football, son? I'm sorry: ma'am?"
Oct. 20: ALABAMA. "I think what a player sees needs to be consistent effort to go along with a consistent message. That's what guys will gravitate towards. Now the thing is, you have to find guys who've also seen Remember the Titans. It's a good movie, but somehow not everybody's seen it."
Oct. 27: at South Carolina. "I want everyone to know: whatever happens in this game, whatever goes down, you're all going to die. Alone, scared, possibly in excruciating pain. It will happen. You need to be thinking about it, and how you'll never see it coming or know the hour."
Nov. 10: MISSOURI. "If you try to temper fans' expectations, you're walking up a hill you can't climb. But that's why man invited four-wheel drive. I'm trying to say this team's a Ford Tempo with bald tires. It's not a great car. It's not even an okay car. But I have to set it on fire for the insurance money and get away with it. That's what I'm trying to say here."
Nov. 17: at Vanderbilt. "If there's one thing we always do at the University of Tennessee, it's kick the shit out of--AWWWW, COME ON GUYS."
Nov. 24: KENTUCKY. "He's a stand up guy. He's well mannered and an unbelievable public speaker. He can't play football if his life depended on it, but he's the kind of kid we want at the University of Tennessee."
TEXAS A&M
The Texas A&M Schedule is a tribute to the newfound freedom of recently fired TAMU coach Mike Sherman.
Sept. 8: OLD NAVY. Tried on sweaters until a manager came over and told me I needed to have a shirt on underneath. Left, had a Diet Tonic flavored Icee.
Sept. 29: at DMV. No reason. Just like the vibe.
Oct. 6: at Cousin Mark's. Shouldn't leave your tetherball out if you don't want me to play during the wake, Mark. Maybe you should worry less about me and more about your eight year old son, who seems to think carries are within the rules of the game.
Oct. 20: FELL ASLEEP IN CANOE.
Oct. 27: at Home Depot. Wandered aisles for two hours waiting for wife until I realized this wasn't church. Tried to cover by purchasing fifty bucks worth of fluorescent bulbs. Express checkout malfunctioned, I panicked and ran.
Nov. 3: at Red Roof Inn. Sat in lobby pretending to be "Jack Ginpoker, P.I." Cracked my tooth on a candy apple.
Nov. 10: at Job Interview. Houston Rockets seemed interested but said I needed to learn word processing. Told 'em I'd rather shoot my grandmother than give up the quill.
Nov. 24: KID CUISINE DISTRIBUTION CENTER. Tarot reader said I'd die where I was born, and it doesn't look like I can get out from under this flipped forklift.
VANDERBILT
Aug. 30: HEY WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ASSHOLE
Sept. 22: at The Fuck Did You Just Say?
Oct. 6: at (Wild Haymaker)
Oct. 13: YOU BETTER RUN, BITCH
Oct. 20: QUIT HOLDIN' ME BACK!
Nov. 3: at Naw, we're coo
Nov. 10: at Here, let's shake hands and cal(neck punch)
Nov. 17: BEST HOPE I DON'T FIND YOU WHEN THEY LET ME OUT