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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/16/2011

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PLEASE REMEMBER: THIS IS ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. Student-athletes are the focus of the bowl system, a veritable charity drive to reward then for their hard work. This is why the Idaho Potato lobby has made an 11,000 pound fake potato it will be rolling out (quite literally) at the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: for the kids, guys. For the kids.

And now, a short song about potatoes.

We are convinced every performance the Wiggles have ever completed led instantly into a soul-deadening backstage whiskey and whores binge, and will hear no argument to the contrary. Bill says that if giant fake potatoes don't do it for you, he has at least three ways of determining your optimal bowl destination.

IN MORE SANGUINE BOWL NEWS. The Ragin' Cajuns have shown the hell out for the NOLA Bowl, bringing the largest collection of French names to the Quarter since Lafayette himself landed with a ship full of France's finest reprobates and untreated syphilitics hungry for liberty, alcohol, and the swamp wenches of Southern Louisiana. One of those is Ragin' Cajun Aaron Thibodeaux, who survived a MRSA infection so severe his football career is over because a hit might knock lurking evil staphylococcus out of his goddamn bones. Being Cajun, expect him to go into something less stressful like MMA fighitng, Gator hunting, or boatlifting.*

PLEASE RESPECT THE PROPER CHILIS FOR YOUR RESPECTIVE BOWL GAME. For Wyoming, the chili is green, and your condiments best not include some busted-ass orange oil passing as cheese.

HAVING A PHONE NUMBER AND COMMON SENSE CAN MAKE YOU HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. Step one: forward someone's number to someone else. Step two: point to track record of success someone can look up in three seconds on the internet. Step three: massive profits.

MY THAT'S AN UNINSPIRING LIST. And as bad as it looks, it lacks our lurking frontrunner, Mark Shulap.**

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT YESTERDAY, PAT FORDE MAY NOT GET THAT EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TODD GRAHAM ANYTIME SOON. Not that he wouldn't inform Pat via a subordinate that he was taking a better interview offer somewhere else, but he's probably not doing a sit-down with the Arizona State coach anytime soon.

ETC. Ice Cube on LA architecture is so much better than you could have imagined. The recently deceased Christopher Hitchens had eloquent friends who spent ten hour lunches with him at the risk to their own health and sanity. Every book Chris recs here is totally necessary for a football fan (hint hint Christmas for obsessives SOLVED, y'all.) The Florida Turnpike explained in a graphic. (Warning: cartoon genitals.)

*A sport, but also a utility.

**Fuck it. If that's who ends up being the "best offensive coordinator in America," then there's not reason for us not to lie to ourselves and just pretend he's someone else entirely. Mark Shulap? The hot offensive coordinator from Crazy Go Nuts University? Oh, yeah! That guy's gonna KILL it out there.