LARRY SCOTT: LANE KIFFIN, CHINA, CHINA, LANE KIFFIN

Larry Scott wants China to love the Pac-12, and for the Pac-12 to love China back, but first we're going to need some serious ground rules for engagement here. Assume you've already hurt their feelings, first of all, and that you need to apologize. But I haven't even talked to them yet, you say. Exactly. You should have talked to them before you were going to talk to them. China is your easily hurt older female relative whose first weapon is hurt and guilt, and like you, she's been doing it better than anyone and since the dawn of time itself.

So start by apologizing--you know what you did--and then move on to the things you can control, like the teams you send over there. Do send Lane Kiffin, because he's going to walk over there and naturally exude big face by just being ol' Big Balls Lane himself. ("What's up, sluts? Where can a guy take a dump and eat a cheeseburger at the same time in this town?" China: "HE IS MOST AMERICAN LOVE HIM YES.") Do not send Matt Barkley, because though they tolerate a bit of it, it's generally ixnay on the esusJay, especially when it comes to being really outgoing about it. (See Tebow's absence from any future NFL marketing materials.)

Do send Colorado to play an exhibition, and do make sure Colorado takes Ralphie. We suggest this because we want to see a craze in Beijing and Shanghai of miniature buffalo being kept at pets, because OMG MINIATURE BUFFALO. (Don't ask what happens to them. China is not a kind place for pets.) Do not send Jeff Tedford unless you are going to Japan. The Japanese love and respect robots as role models and protectors, and will adore him.

Finally, do encourage some kind of relationship with the PLA as a sponsor of Pac-12 football in China. There are legitimate strategic reasons for this. If the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets' owner MIkhail Prokhorov becomes the President of Russia, that will make the NBA the first nuclear power in professional sports. A counter-balance will be needed to avoid a monopolistic security dilemma situation, and a partnership with the world's only half-army, half nuclear mafia certainly helps get Larry Scott closer to his own nuclear weapon.

(Oh my god LARRY SCOTT IS A BOND VILLAIN. it all makes so much sense now.)