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UCF FOOTBALL BECOMES FRIENDLIER TO LONELY SEAFARERS

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UCF, seeing the partygoer passing out facefirst into the pool, decided this would be the perfect time to quietly seize the moment, slip into the back bathroom unnoticed, and then unleash the crappin' while everyone was busy looking elsewhere. After the release of a 16 page NCAA ruling today, UCF announced the resignation of AD Keith Tribble and UCF wide receivers coach David Kelly for "misleading" NCAA investigators. If you are somehow caught lying by the NCAA, the investigative equivalent of the Tennessee Obesity Police*, you are officially the worst liar ever and deserve to be caught.

*This is not a real police force. If it were, they would die of exhaustion.

UCF basketball coach Donnie Jones has been suspended, too. We presume the charges were "being a college basketball coach and stuff." We assume this charge can just be levied at any time, and no defense is ever offered.

The really interesting part about a budding Big East member getting hit with an NCAA letter, though? AHOY: 

Hitt named retired Admiral Al Harms interim athletic director and said the university will start a search for a new athletics director.

The return of #TEAMLEACH becomes all the more probable with the enlisting of a real live seafarer as UCF's AD. Before you get too optimistic, though, remember: Admirals respect pirates, but the relationship is a fraught one. Think less "mortal enemies to the end," and more "storekeeper versus sketchy homeless guy who likes to take a bath in the bathroom and dry off with the hand dryer after buying a pack of gum and some smokes." Remember, they're cigarettes if you're middle class, and "smokes" if you're homeless or reciting lines from From Here To Eternity.

P.S. What does this mean for George O'Leary's future? No one cares about George O'Leary. Stop asking this question immediately.