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TWO SCIENTISTS MADE YOU AN ANDREW LUCK

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This is Dr. Smartula.

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Hello Dr. Smartula. We are Two Scientists.

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I asked you to make me something amazing because SCIENCE.

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We did sir.

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Well, don't mollyguffle around. What is it?

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Two Scientists: IT'S AN ANDREW LUCK.

[BEAT KICKS IN. AWKWARD MONOTONE RAPPING BEGINS]

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There are so many features to this Andrew Luck.

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Nimble like a puma, but he's sturdy like a truck

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Six feet in height with some room left over

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Skin chalky white, like the famed cliffs of Dover

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Optimally designed for football play 

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He's football science in a Stanford way

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Could run for president if the age restriction wasn't in place

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Beard like Lincoln, jaw like Roosevelt — just look at that face

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Could win wars by throwing pigskins from airplane wings

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Hoover Institute-compatible, so taxes aren't his thing

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Battery life set to four hundred years

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But may opt out due to loneliness fears

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Watched Highlander and learned a lesson

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For eternity a life would be nothing but stressin'

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Still if the Andrew Luck runs out of power

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Please destroy it in a high-temperature furnace

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One with a closed ventilation system and filtration protocols in place

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Because the Andrew Luck is made of at least 17 extremely toxic heavy metals that melt flesh on contact

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Or you could send it to China.

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On second thought he's right. Just send it to China in event of this happening. 

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK. SAMPLE FROM JURASSIC PARK: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates---""]

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Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK

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We sent a monkey into space just to test his emotions

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Made him friends with an ape then we put him in motion

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We told him the rocket would go and then land i the ocean/

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but set trajectories for the sun on a devious notion

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Halfway through the launch something went awry

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Onboard controls came alive and we wondered why

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Splashdown in Tahiti, thinkin' ape's amok

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opened the hatch AND THE APE WAS LUCK

 

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Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK

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Hands are webbed because we all make mistakes 

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And accidentally mixed his DNA with a drake's

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We could have made a punter instead

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We could have made a punter with Andrew's head

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Could have made the best punter every born

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But no one likes punting because punting is boring

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And no one likes punting

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Seriously no one lkes punting.

 

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Two Scientists: ANDREW LUCK!

 

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You're so great at science, you made all the Andrew

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And you're so great at science, you made all the Luck

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Scientist two made him articulate but not overly wordy.

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And Scientist One got him well-read and savvy but never nerdy

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Prompt with assignments and respectful of women

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Supports other programs like hoops and swimming

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Friendly with others but independent of mind

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Makes his own compost from trash and orange rinds

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Has a healthy relationship with mother and father

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In lines and public buses he's far from a bother

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Polite to animals he doesn't even know

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Shared all the cheat codes he knew from Saints' Row

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The Andrew Luck has hydraulic nipples 

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It's the one part we had a real hard time making

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Science isn't perfect and neither are our rhymes

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[SILENCE]

Um...

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ANDREW LUCK!

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Great work, Two Scientists! NOW STOP MAKING FOOTBALL THINGS AND GET BACK TO WORK ON MY NEUTRON MISTRESS! WE CAN'T BEAT THE RUSSIANS WITHOUT HER.

Two Scientists: Roger and out, Dr. Smartula!

Dr. Smartula: Smoke Chesterfields, boys.

Two Scientists: Smoke Chesterfields, sir!