Economy struggling you say? Au contraire, friend - the Sun Belt is hiring! A conference commissioner needs integrity, ambition, business acumen, and a delicate sense of public opinion. It goes without saying that we at EDSBS have that shit in SPADES. So we've decided to answer the call and submit this cover letter for the position. Please don't fret, though - we will remember you all when we're snorting imitation crab off a first edition of Gravity's Rainbow in the executive suite at Apogee Stadium.
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To Whom It May Concern:
We, the esteemed management of Every Day Should Be Saturday/Notorious T.O.B. Engraving Services, Inc., accept your offer of employment to serve as Sun Belt Commissioner. There are like three and a half of us. We shall be the Cerebrus to Howard Schnellenberger's Hades. Combined, the EDSBS staff boasts a skill set custom fit for the Sun Belt Commissioner's office. We are fluent in Windows NT. We have spent considerable time learning the languages and ways of the Sun Belt, and are fluent in Arkansan, Python, and Larry Fedora.
Please note that the contact information on this application may be changing, due to an ongoing dispute with KOA Management, which we can assure you is bullshit.
We eat, breathe, sleep, excrete, photosynthesize, jog, daydream, salivate, and overhand serve Sun Belt sports. Jonesboro, Arkansas flows through our veins. Literally. Because of the meth we buy there and then ingest in order to move forcefully towards a more Sun Belt-friendly world.
Ryan provides considerable legal acumen, a thirst for danger, and once hotwired a car in Murfreesboro, Tennessee for Tony Franklin in a situation he would be happy to explain at length in a more in-depth personal interview.
Luke has a birthmark which, when viewed in a mirror, is a perfect likeness of the New Orleans Bowl logo.
We are no longer permitted in any TJ Maxx after the three of us spent two hours writing "SUN" in puffy paint on every woman's belt in the storeroom of the Hattiesburg location.
Our application is contingent upon shipment of one (1) pallet of sorghum beer to Coach Larry Coker, to be delivered by a man bearing a disturbing resemblance to Thurston Howell, III.
QUALIFICATIONS:
- All staff members have watched a lot of fucking football. Even Sun Belt games!
- Camp Hiawatha Summer Games 1997, "Participant"
- Voted "least athletic" at Franklin High School Band Camp, 1994
- Extensive hands-on research with various astronaut comestibles
- Can drive stick shift and eat a burrito with minimal swerving
- All staff members have called Ben Folds a pussy to his face
- Certified in Big East Left Handed Compliments
- No overdrawn checking accounts in eight months
- Lavished with praise by staff members at several Atlanta area gymnasiums for diligent wiping of athletic equipment and weight-stowing.
- Can find all Sun Belt members on maps
INITIATIVES:
- Move all media events to a Stuckey's selected at random to capitalize on our core market - grown men who subsist only on pecan logs.
- New television deal with Univision will provide nothing but the finest coverage of our football programs as well as accessing the untapped markets of our neighbors to the south. Did someone say dancing girls? Dan McCarney certainly did!
- Expand our athletic offerings into a number of exciting new intercollegiate sports, including Four Square, Butts Up, and Throw This Stick At Your Brother But Not In The Face.
- Offseason reality show will chronicle the recruitment of Howard Schnellenberger's next harem member. Working title - "Fifty, Shifty, and Nifty."
- Louisiana-Monroe games will no longer be shown on television within the visible spectrum of light.
- Fried turkeys for every child in attendance under 3 but not older than 28 months.
- Western Kentucky games will be the first to be shown in 4-D. The fourth dimension? FEAR.
- Opening coin toss to be replaced by non-copyright-infringing version of Plinko.
- Overtime shall be decided by the first team to hit the left upright. Double overtime shall be decided the first team to hit the right upright. Triple overtime will be conceded to the team that can leave the stadium and board buses first without leaving so much as a mouthpiece on the turf.
- GoDaddy.com Bowl will feature an innovative sponsorship deal where if the viewership gets above a certain number the entire game crashes and you have to buy more bandwidth to watch the rest of the game.
- All shoulder pads will be filled with flavored Tootsie rolls on Piñata Party Thursdays.
We have presented our proposals and our abundant qualification. We are happy to offer our joint services at the low rate of $35K a year plus a company car. We prefer a Toyota Yaris, as it reflects the values of the Sun Belt: tiny, fierce, and sometimes easily lost in a coat pocket for days at a time.
Athletically yours,
EDSBS MANAGEMENT
P.S. We have taped a five dollar bill to the back of this letter. Please accept it as a token of our serious intentions in this matter.
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