clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

I CALL HIM GAMBLOR: WEEK 12

New, 995 comments

Random-gambling-shady-website_medium

Hi, I'm Don Weebly of the world famous website sportsbetting.weebly.com. I'm here today to talk about all the great deals I can offer you and yours. You know what they say, a family that gambles together, stambles together! Ha ha! I don't even totally know what that means but the guy on the other end of this webcam told me it would be a great idea. Wait, who is that guy anyways?!? Internet!

So let's talk brass tax. I know gambling. I know sports. I know computers. You found me here on this internet weblog right? Well I found you too... Via internet! Internet provides all kinds of modern luxuries: sports scores, news, information, and also the ability to meet silly crossgender party pals at all hours of the night! Ho ho! Had you there, didn't I? What a golden age! Now I make picks and you need picks, so let's come to an understanding on a business arrangement. For each pick I get right, you will give me 80% of your total gross, in exchange, I give you the information to make those picks. Wait, where are you going? Don't click away! I'm just pulling your chain, friend! It's called "the open". If you played chess, you'd know totally what I was talking about. I don't, it's far too intellectual, but you get my drift, right, pal?

So just to give you a taste (like they do in those drug dealer movies! Haha!), I will give you four of my picks for free. Eight, in fact; I'm no mathematician, just an oddsmaker and spinner of dreams and brand new lives! You want a new life, friend? Come with me and let's dance the dance of fresh starts and fresh bills!

Nebraska at Michigan (-2.5), 12:00 PM

Nebraska and Michigan meet for the first time as Big Ten opponents to settle the long open question of who was 1997's actual national champion was. The BCS, it's crazy! How does it work? I don't know. Well just kidding, I do KNOW as I'm an expert and all, but you're probably asking yourself "What do you think about this football game, guy?" Keep your shorts on, sweet stacks (as in all the money you're gonna be making; I see the future!)! So let's get down to business. BUSINESS! BUSINESS!! Yeah!

The Bet: Nebraska +2.5. Red, and white, and money making all over!

The Bet Within A Bet: Denard Robinson O/U 250 total yards offense. Ol' Denard is what we like to call in the industry a real money magnet. Why? Do the math, sharp shooter! Moola city, folks! Oh yeah, go over! All day! No blackshirts, no problemo!

The Bet Within A Bet Within A Bet: That Chuck Woodson sure is looking svelte! *Heisman pose*

Charles-woodson-is-fat_medium

Virginia at Florida State (-18), 7:30

Former police officer (nothing illegal about making a few friendly guarantees amongst friends, am I right your honor?!) Mike London takes the Virginia Cavs into Tallahassee to play cards with some guy named Jimbo and the Seminoles (hey, hey, Mike look out! His name has two syllables! LOL). Can you believe these two teams would ever factor into an ACC divisional late season implication scenario? Ha ha, of course *YOU* can't, but I can because I still have a framed autographed Tiki Barber 3x5 on my wall. Met him last week. Great guy. As for football factors, it's plain as day to see, one team is pretty significant favorites and the other, not that. Know why? Experts, my friend.

The bet: Florida State -18. They're just better!

The bet within a bet: Rushing touchdowns by Virginia O/U 2.5. Under. The train's getting stopped out of the gate. There are dogs and everything! Hah!

The bet within a bet within a bet: Haha, woah edgy. Let's take the hate down a notch, guys! Everybody's somebody's pal in the commonwealth!

Uva-sux_medium

USC at Oregon (-14.5), 8

Lane Kiffin sure is a sharp shooter. For me to poop on! Up top, you guys! So I've been doubtful of Lane Kiffin ever since he cost me in excess of $1500 in side bet money a year prior. Thought SC's defense would be stout as ever! That crazy old coot Monty Kiffin needs to be canned, but in the meanwhile. Oregon? Chip Kelly? That offensive juggernaut? Time to make those clams back in one foul swoop. This will be like shooting Trojan horses in a barrell. "Got any wood?" Haha, really miss that show, guys.

The bet: Oregon -14.5. Sometimes you just gotta play it smart.

The bet within a bet: Matt Barkley O/U 250 yards passing. Under. Chip Kelly's defense is U-N-D-E-R-R-A-T-E-D. What's that spell? It spells ol' DonnyBoy's $1000 lock of the week. You make a thousand dollars or I give you a free pick next week. Win-win, folks.

The bet within a bet within a bet: Ever seen ol' Lane Kiffin's wife? What a looker, but this is an article about football and football wagering. Thought this video though (with one of my favorite songs ever) was pretty slick. Educational (and easy to look at too!)

Oklahoma at Baylor (+15.5), 8:00

Woo-whee, this one's got my shirt getting poked, if you get my drift! Robert Griffin the III. Did you ever see the previous two Robert Griffin's play? NASTY (I bet). This guy is one smooth operator. You know he turned down a shot in the Olympics to play football. At BAYLOR?!?! They must have some real fine lookin' Baptists. Jesus saves... You money! Ha ha, high five JC! High $500 parlay of the week. Seriously folks, gotta go with the Sooners in this one.

The bet: Oklahoma (-15.5) Okay, Don. You're probably saying. "I've gotta pick up these eggs for Margaret and don't forget the diapers." But then I bet you're all like "How come you keep picking favorites?" I play the odds, folks. For a living. Do you? Didn't think so. Let's make each other money. This could be the start of something beautiful.

The bet within a bet: Robert Griffin O/U 300 total yards. Over. Can't knock my main man, RG Tres. Smooth like Espanol. That's Spanish for Spanish.

The bet within a bet within a bet: Sorry guys, Barry Switzer can't see you. Too busy scratching his eye. Burn! Championship bling, y'all.

Barrys-got-bling_medium