clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


New, 1124 comments



The problem with MACtion (WE SEE YOU, VAN PELT) is that sometimes it disappoints, and, instead of a 78-74 points orgy, you get two games where not one team manages to break thirty points.

As the Saltine cracker of college football, the ACC will never let you down like that.

Virginia Tech, a team who's pedigree was built on the shoulders of giants like Jim Druckenmiller in mid-to-late 90's goes toe-to-toe with North Carolina, a football program who was once coach by Mack Brown. You'll get four quarters of semi-orderly, unenthusiastic, dry-mouth inducing play and you'll like it.

Fourth downs will only be attempted if a team is down by two touchdowns or more late in the game and even then, hell, we're just throwing a six yard hitch to a tight end.

That's right, it's ACC Football: Because You Never Get Disqualified If You Set The Bar Low Enough.

The five categories are: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity, Mascot, Aura, Names, and Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cussedness. WE'LL DO IT LIVE!

Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. North Carolina football coach Everett Withers, IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME, has taken the reigns (albeit likely for just one season) from the late King Davis of Butchtenstein. Most dedicated football aficionados know they've seen them play, but besides that pants'ing at the hand of Binkie Impresario Dabo Swiney, no one really remembers anything about them. The numbers would indicate the following:
PRO! Quarterback and Vampire Weekend bassist Bryn Renner is fourth in the nation averaging 9.2 yards per pass attempt.
CON! Should've gone to Columbia and Coldplay enthusiast Bryn Renner is 71st in the nation in passing attempts per game.
SOLUTION: Let human being and four time Space Jam viewer Brynn Renner throw the ball 45 times and enjoy the resulting 400+ yards of passing.
BONUS SOLUTION! Convince Virginia Tech's defense that "Bryn Renner" is Finnish for "Blade Runner" Engineering nerds eat that shit right up.

Virginia Tech… Well, we could delineate any number of statistical measures of their relative quality, but why bother? Dorks of that nature memorize shit like that for fun! Their fans can regurgitate verbatim any statistical measure you throw at them. Yards per completion? Yards after contact? Child's play. Seriously, ask a Hokie fan with his eyes rolled back into his head drooling onto his own crotch for David WIlson's average Football Outsiders non-adjusted rush stats and the non-sensical answer will be *PRECISELY* the right answer (if only you spoke their language).

Advantage: UNC Little do those engineering dweebs know that "Brynn Renner" is actually Finnish for "Under Siege 2: Dark Territory."


Mascot. North Carolina's Rameses is a curious figure.  He shares a name with one of Egypt's most celebrated pharaohs.  In the Old Testament, a ram is sacrificed by Abraham in place of the narrowly-spared Isaac.  And Aries is the first sign of the classical Greek zodiac.


Basically, Rameses is a godless blasphemer who wears a sweater even when the weather doesn't call for it.

HokieBird, on the other hand, just wants to spread the blessed word of his own personal savior, a terrifying Turkey-Dragon with an unpronounceably guttural name. 

You know what?  I may not agree with HokieBird's beliefs, but I respect that he has some.  Unlike that filthy Rameses.

Advantage: VIRGINIA TECH. We all have a dark passenger that just wants to go out on the dance floor and do him sometimes.




Located over 2000 feet above sea level, Virginia Tech's Lane Stadium can be a terrifying place to play - loud, hostile, and smelling vaguely of that sawdust you only see janitors use to clean up puke.  There's a reason the Hokies have only lost four home games in the last five years.  This is not a place you want to fall behind, because the crowd simply won't let you back in the game.

On the other hand, Blacksburg is nowhere NEAR a nuclear power plant.  You know what is?  Chapel Hill.  Twenty four measly miles away from UNC's stadium sits Shearon Harris Nuclear Power Plant.  Do you know what it's like to play within the ingestion pathway zone of a pressurized-water reactor, VT?

At first it's terrifying.  You can't even remember whether you're supposed to run a slant or an out route - all you can think about is watching your flesh melt off of your legs as the radiation creeps up your torso.

But then you embrace it.  You are death.  If all it takes is a few degrees too much heat to blow us all away, what does it matter?  BLITZ ALL ELEVEN PLAYERS AND DAMN THE TORPEDOS.

Unfortunately, then you become a senior, and you start to make plans for your life, and you've sort of figured out that no, the plant isn't slowly turning you into a Marvel Comics character. You're dying and it's late stage. Roy Williams would totally have a glass bottle coke with you if your vital organs still allowed for that.

Advantage: Virginia Tech. Because I forgot to mention that the tallest building in Blacksburg is Slusher Tower, and I presume it's just a giant frozen drink machine.  One garbage truck with half Coke, half Blue Razzberry, please!




A.J. Blue. But not Tar Heel Blue (FAKE ASS HEEL, Y'ALL!)

Jheranie Boyd. Jher-jher-jheranie-unit!

D.J. Bunn. Really enjoys playing music in food courts for whatever reason.

Fabby Desir. You'll call him Desir and you'll like it, damnit.

Allen Champagne. Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. Also, the first group can call him 'Al'.

Matt Kolojejchik. VOWELS.

Norkeithus Otis. It makes it easssiiieeerrr....


Zack McCray. That shit's McCray.


Michael Via. Big Wilco fan, this guy.

Barquell Rivers. Because calling him 'barkwell' would've made his future career as a dog house manufacturer painfully awkward.

Jonathan Halfhide. The other half? Don't ask Craig James about that (allegedly).

Detrick Bonner. How unfortunate for him that his first name is also that of a popular slang term for a private part.

Advantage: VIRGINIA TECH. They've got the better Kanye & Jay-Z song and really, when everything's said and done, that's what will ultimately judge us all in the end anyways.


Grudges/Scores to Settle/Sheer Cusedness? 

Virginia Tech:



North Carolina:

In the other, one of the finest voices on college football online and a former safety doing what he does best:


ADVANTAGE: UNC. Mike Felder shirtless will be your boss someday.


EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUMMARY: 3-2 Virginia Tech. This is of course in no way scientific. Should you choose to wager on it, we will merely point and laugh at you. However, if you win enough money, you owe it upon yourself to fly to Blacksburg on a private plane and immediately buy alcohol for the two profiled above for the internet's amusement. God speed you crazy son of a gun, you.