WEST VIRGINIA PRESENTS ITS CASE AGAINST THE BIG EAST

A courtroom in West Virginia. The Honorable Judge Senator TaxSlayer.com Joe Manchin presiding.

Bailiff, Who is Also the Mountaineer Mascot: All rise for the Honorable Judge Senator TaxSlayer.com Joe Manchin.

Manchin shakes every hand in the courtroom. This takes ten minutes.

Manchin: Hi, hi, hello, hey to you, how are you buddy, hey, you know me, what's going on, hope all your family's doing well, hooohhh big fella what's going on with you, say hi to your wife, will ya? Let's get down to some business.

Manchin coats his hands in Purell, and then squirts a dollop of it in his mouth.

Manchin: ALL RIGHT. Let's wheel and deal. What's our next case, your honor?

Bailiff: The court addresses the case of "Big East versus West Virginia, your honor." GO 'EERS!

Manchin: GO 'EERS! 

Courtroom: GO 'EERS!

Manchin bangs his gavel loudly and scowls.

Manchin: Dammit, y'all, let's see some order in here! Gaw, come on!

There is silence.

Manchin: Oh come on, you know I was just messin' around. GO 'EERS! 

Everyone: GO 'EERS!

Manchin: Bring the counsels into chambers please. Your cases, gentlemen.

 

Counselor Rocky: I am here to defend in the case of the Big East versus West Virginia. We would like to move for an immediate transfer of this case to another court. 

Manchin: Motion denied!

Counselor Rocky: Your honor, the chances of a fair trial involving the West Virginia Mountaineers--

ALL: GO 'EERS!

Counselor Rocky: --is we believe an evident impossibility for our client.

Manchin: Motion denied on account of you wanting to waste my time and the good people of West Virginia's time on frivolous lawsuits when I could be telling people about the good work TaxSlayer.com could do for you! TaxSlayer.com!  Now proceed, Counselor Holgorsen. 

 

Counselor Holgorsen: Thanks, stud. Now, we want out of the Big East because it's lame as shit.

Counselor Rocky: Objection! "Lame as shit" is not legal reasoning.

Manchin snickers. Holgorsen makes broad wanking gesture.

Manchin: No, no, Dana, he's right. Keep it legal-ish, 'k?

Dana Holgorsen rolls his eyes so hard he sees the front of his cerebrum.

Counselor Holgorsen: [SIGHS] Um, as shown in the case of Sussudio versus One More Night, West Virginia's clearly entered into a contract they believe could be broken with just saying the word, but then the Big East was like "waaahhhh, maybe we both can learn, and then you'll wake up and see," but using the ruling from "Something Happened On the Way To Heaven versus 'You Can't Hurry Love," it was proved that an alienation of affection could not be re-established in a timely manner between the two parties in this vague contract."

Manchin: Please continue, Da--I mean, 'counselor.' 

Counselor Hologorsen: Vis-a-vis the end result of the condition the court would refer to as "Separate Lives," which my client clearly believes has come to fruition. The conference and school are no longer of "Two Hearts," and certainly not living in just one mind."

Counselor Rocky: Objection! These are Phil Collins lyrics. They do not in any way bear the weight of legal validity.

Manchin: Overruled! Little known fact of West Virginia law: all court cases can be argued in Phil Collins lyrics, song titles, album names, and occasionally with percussive and enthusiastic desk drumming of certain memorable drum fills.

Counselor Holgorsen: [Bangs out the fill from "In the Air Tonight" on the desk]

Counselor Rocky: What was that?

Manchin: He just successfully requested we break for lunch in 20, and to allow another 15 minutes for an assignment he's got to keep in the motor lodge across the street with actress Dana Delany.

Counselor Holgorsen: Taking China Beach, or as I like to call it, the Dana double. It's like doin' it with yourself, but not lonely and gay, man.

Counselor Rocky: if the court would please.Your honor--

Manchin: Ah ah. Honorable Judge Senator TaxSlayer.com Joe Manchin, please.

Counselor Rocky: Honorable Judge Senator TaxSlayer.com Joe Manchin, West Virginia's assertion that it is entitled to rescissory relief in the absence of prima facie evidence of malice aforethought on the part of my clients violates a plain language reading of CFR Title 25, Section 518.6.  I object to this negligent misappropriation on the grounds of in loco parentis and move for a voir dire sidebar arson.

Counselor Holgorsen: Objection! This nerd is boring the shit out of me. Right? 

Manchin: Honorable Judge Senator TaxSlayer.com Joe Manchin totally agrees. Counselor Holgorsen, do you have anything else to add to your extremely persuasive case?

Counselor Holgorsen: In summary, we'd like to invoke the case of "Dance Into The LIght v. Easy Lover," and suggest a quick solution to this case so that my client can avoid a situation where they are on their knees, and we will need a train to carry us home.

[turns to courtroom]

Counselor Holgorsen: THAT'S WHAT COUNTRY ROADS ARE FOR, AIN'T I RIGHT?

All: GO 'EERS!

Counselor Holgorsen: Plus, I'd like to invalidate everything opposing counsel has said, as he's guilty of the crime of cannibalism.

[gasps throughout the courtroom]

Counselor Holgorsen: Just another day in paradise? What was that in the air that night, Counselor? The delicious smell of hamburgers, or OF TREACHERY, HOMESLICE?

Holgorsen has this picture passed around the courtroom.

Manchin: I think we've seen enough here. The court finds for WVU. Would the court officers please come forward to take Counselor Rocky into custody?

Counselor Rocky: I can't believe this is just--

 

Officer Stewart: Now, don't make me jumpy. Just whittled this myself. Not sure about the voltage. Tried it on a cow and it didn't do anything. But the hog I hit with it? Fried up like fatback, I tell you what. Best smellin' corpse I ever seen. Smelled. Whatever. A pension is a pension is a pension. Show me those hooves.  

FIN