In lieu of a certain Bucknuts report, we found it important to set the record straight:
Television: The joint houses are expected to vote on the issue as early as today. In other news, officials at The Pacific Nuclear Research Facility have denied internet rumors that a case of missing plutonium was in fact stolen weeks ago. A Syrian terrorist cell had claimed responsibility for the alleged theft, however, the officials now infer the discrepancy to a simple inventory error. The FBI...
Ohio State Offensive Coordinator Jim Bollman: Hey, Doc? Doc? Hey, anyone home? Einstein, come here, boy. Hello?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: BOLLBRO, IS THAT YOU BIG CAT?
Bollman: Hey, hey Doc, ahem, where are you exactly?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: THANK GOD YOU CAME BY. LISTEN, NEED A SOLID FROM YOU, BROLLMAN. GONNA NEED YOU MEET ME AT EASTON TOWN CENTER TONIGHT AT 1:15. GOT A MAJOR GAME CHANGER TO LAY ON YOU AND I'LL NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE
Bollman: Wait, wait, wait. 1:15? In the morning?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: ROGER, GHOST RIDER.
Bollman: What's going on? Why haven't you been at practice all week?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WORKING OUT, BRO. TRAINING MY MIND.
Bollman: Where's Einstein, is he with you?
Dr Professor Vrabro: REAL DICK MOVE, BRO. TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL HIM THAT TO HIS FACE. DUDE'S NAME IS NICK, NICK SICILIANO.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: GOOD TALK, BRO. NOW DON'T FORGET, 1:15, EASTON.
Bollman: Well, ok...
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WAIT... ARE THOSE CLOCKS I HEAR?
Bollman: Yeah, it's 8 o'clock.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: THANKS BIG BEN. BUT DAMN, THOSE SURE SOUNDED LIKE THE BELL AT THE END OF THE ROUND. FUCKIN A DUDE, RIGHTEOUS NOISE. WANNA MAKE IT MY RINGTONE.
Bollman: Huh? Are you sure your experiment didn't just work and all these clocks aren't just exactly twenty-five minutes slow?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: NO DUDE, WHEN THE ROUND'S OVER IT'S OVER. 1:15, GO BIG OR GO HOME.
Flash forward roughly 5 hours. The scene is the Easton Town Center outdoor mall outside Columbus, OH
Dr. Professor Vrabro: BOLLBRO, YOU MADE IT.
Bollman: Yeah, so what was it that you wanted to talk to me about that couldn't wait until tomorrow at practice?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WELCOME TO THE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUNDS. THE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUNDS OF SCIENCE, YO. THIS IS THE BAD ASS SHIT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY ENTIRE CAREER.
Bollman: Isn't that just the tacky 1980's sports car you keep parked in the Woody Hayes lots and keep calling your "pussy magnet?"
Dr. Professor Vrabro: TOTALLY -- AND DID I MENTION IT MAKES THE BABES GO CRAZY? EXCEPT NOW WHEN YOU HIT 69 MPH, IT GOES BACK IN TIME. YOU SEE YOUR OFFENSE JIM? IT'S SO ASSY IT MAKES EVERY OPPOSING OFFENSE THAT WATCHES IT IS PATENTLY WORSE THE NEXT WEEK. I HEARD YOU EVEN GOTTA SHOW 7 OTHER OFFENSES THE SAME GAME PLAN IN A WEEK OR EVERYONE ON YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM DIES. SO WE GOTTA GO BACK, YO. BACK TO THE GOOD OL' DAYS -- 2010, AND TELL THAT SWEATER VEST WEARING LIBRARIAN COACH BRO TO BE REAL WITH THE FOOTBALL FEDS OR WHATEVER. HE WAS LIKE THE BASE TO YOUR ACID. REAL SCIENCE, BRO.
Bollman: Is this another one of you and Luke's b-movie script ideas?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WOAH, WOAH THERE. YOU DO NOT COMPROMISE OUR ARTISTIC VISION, BRO.
Bollman: Mike, I don't have time for this crap. I've got to get some rest so we can figure out how to fix this offense.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: TIME IS THE ONE THING WE'RE GONNA HAVE SHIT TONS OF THANKS TO THIS:
Dr. Professor Vrabro: BEHOLD THE FLEX CAPACITOR, WHICH MAKES TIME TRAVEL POSSIBLE.
Bollman: That looks like three bottles of Muscle Milk tied together with Christmas lights.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WHAT? HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK I GOT A HOLD OF THIS SPORTS ALMANAC FROM THE FUTURE? WE'RE MOVING ON UP TO THE BEAST SIDE, YOU AND ME, DUDE.
Bollman: Future sports almanac, huh? Ok, who does it say plays in the National Championship this year?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: MIAMI BEATS SOUTHERN CALI - SHIT. THOSE FUCKING KIDS. I KNEW THEY WERE MAKING THAT UP WHEN THEY SAID THE PRESIDENCY IN 2048 WAS DECIDED BY REAR NAKED CHOKE.
Bollman: Ok, Doc, let's just go back to the office and start breaking down film. We can still get this thing turned around, I just know it.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: DID YOU HEAR THAT NICK? OH GOD, I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY FOUND ME, YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BOLLS. SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
Bollman: Who? Who?
Dr. Professor Vrabro: WHO DO YOU THINK? THE SYRIANS.
Bollman: I'm pretty sure those are just rent-a-cops, Doc.
Dr. Professor Vrabro: I'M A MAN OF ACTION, BOLLBRO. IF YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO PLAY WITH FIRE AND FIX THE OFFENSE, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. LET'S DOOO THIS!
Dr. Professor Vrabro pushes Bollman out of the way, hops into the IROC-Z, and slams on the gas pedal. Upon reaching 69 mph, the car explodes into flames.