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Our guest commenter this week is Siri.

1. LSU. Les Miles' inscrutability is their advantage going into the game against Alabama. It is also their weakness. This doesn't make sense, but duhhhh Les Miles.

Siri: "A powerful hallucinogen."

2. Alabama. Again, could be number one, and won't we be so happy to watch an SEC voter NOT MOVE EITHER OF THEM AFTER THEY PLAY. Mostly you, Cecil Hurt. ("Gonna need a rematch. I'm not decided yet.")

Siri: "Southern state where all dildos are illegal. Addendum: all dildos not named Harvey Updyke."

3. Stanford. Survive and advance, and also see if Andrew Luck wants to come back for a fifth year.

Siri: "The safety school for kids who can't get into Swarthmore."

4. Boise State. Our favorite bit of Boise's variance: undefeated = non-title BCS slot, one loss = Las Vegas Bowl.

Siri: "Detecting Southern accent. School that sucks and stuff WOOO ROLL SEC."

5. Oklahoma State. After seeing Oklahoma State blanking Baylor for a half, referring to Art Briles as anything but "Fart Briles" is not easy for us.

Siri: "Directions to T. Boone Pickens' Hogwarts of Spread Football And Refined Redneckery."

6. Oregon Ducks. Rankings-wise, they're now a dependable booty call, and in 2011 we thank things we can rely on from the bottom of our heart.

Siri: "Are you looking for a.) Nike apparel b.) short, unstoppable running backs c.) Willie Lyles' phone number d.) the directions to Phil Knight's sweet subterranean septuagenarian house of sensual seduction?"

7. Arkansas Razorbacks.  At this point every single pick made after Oregon is a lean-to capable of being blown over by a stiff breeze at the right angle.

Siri: "Removing a bomb from the chassis of your car is a common problem for journalists and football coaches. Read these directions before attempting any such removal."

8. Oklahoma. Below Arkansas because that secondary is ready to burst into flame at the slightest wave of an offensive coordinator's hand. (An offensive coordinator with something like a passing game, mind you.)

Siri: "This week's leader in public displays of elder abuse."

9. Clemson. We'd love to put them lower after coming apart versus Tech, but have you looked down there? As in, who's below them? Case in point is below. 

Siri: "The nearest drug addiction treatment centers are listed below."

10. South Carolina. See? Do you see what's down here? NEVER LOOK IN THE BASEMENT

Siri: "Cockfighting is illegal in every state in the union."