Bye weeks aren't just for healing up - they're for friendly competition, too! Step into a land of magic and chivalry this week with your friends...
(A Chrysler Sebring pulls up to the West Penn recreation center, and BAYLOR HC ART BRILES, MICHIGAN HC BRADY HOKE, TROY HC LARRY BLAKENEY, and OHIO STATE HC LUKE FICKELL pile out.)
BRILES: Ugh, I shouldn't even be here today. Oklahoma State's offense is a nightmare to plan against, and I really need this time to review film and get everyone on the same page.
FICKELL: I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!!
HOKE: LUKE STOP IT GET YOUR HAND OUTTA MY FACE I'M GONNA TELL!
BRILES: Will you two knock it off already?
FICKELL: HE started it when he gave me a wet willie!
HOKE: And before that YOU backwashed in MY Sprite!
FICKELL: Don't you scream at me! I'd threaten to give you a swirlie, but I don't see any construction equipment around to lift you, fattie!
HOKE: Your MOM'S a fattie!
BLAKENEY: I told you we should have left them at that Burger King.
(PITT HC TODD GRAHAM emerges from the building.)
GRAHAM: M'lords! M'lords, I beseech you, hold this quarrel until it may be settled on terms befitting men of courtly renown!
BLAKENEY: Todd? What the hell are you wearing?
GRAHAM: Ah, methinks you have me wrongly named! For I am Magus Grahamsmere of Sylvania, and I welcome you to this castle I call home!
BRILES: The sign says rec center.
GRAHAM: Alack! Perhaps your sight has been bewitched by a fiendish potion! For this "rec center" is CASTLE DOOMTHORN! (He pulls down the beard.)
Guys! So glad you could all make it. You're just in time, we're just inside assigning characters. This is gonna be great!
FICKELL: (steps on the back of Brady Hoke's shoe)
HOKE: STOP IT!!!
(The group enters Castle Doomthorn.)
BRILES: Wait, what do you mean, assigning characters? Are we playing Clue or something?
GRAHAM: Didn't you guys read the email? This is a LARP Saturday...Live Action Role Playing. We all get certain character types and attributes and powers and then we battle it out in a safe but crazy fun fantasy world.
FICKELL: That sounds like nerd shit.
GRAHAM: You get to hit Hoke with a foam spear.
FICKELL: I'm in.
ARIZONA STATE HC DENNIS ERICKSON: I don't wanna brag, but I'm something of a role playing expert. What are we going with today? Should I be the lost scientist exploring the rainforest, while someone's wife plays the village high priestess who takes me as her love slave?
GRAHAM: What? Dennis, no!
ERICKSON: Not American enough. I got ya. Ok, I'll be the heartless railroad magnate, and she'll be the distraught widow who lost her husband when the mine cart derailed...
GRAHAM: This isn't a SEXUAL game at all! Far from it! Look, everyone just take a pre-assigned character and I'll work you through the rest. Read off your name and title, please.
SOUTH CAROLINA HC STEVE SPURRIER: Ahem. "Hark, I am Orr, the Old Woodsman. My axe-blades protect the forest and all those who dwell within it."
GRAHAM: Fare the well, Orr. Now, how do you want to distribute your character points.
SPURRIER: Gimme fifteen for backspin, twenty-three for swing plane, thirty for club head speed, and put the rest in putting. Drive for show, putt for dough, fellas.
GRAHAM: Those...those aren't any of our categori-
SPURRIER: Oh, and forget these little plastic whoozywhatsit. How do you expect me to get out of the sand with these? Lemme just go grab my Pings outta the trunk.
CONNECTICUT HEAD COACH PAUL PASQUALONI: HELLO MY NAME IS PAUL AND I AM A BEAR CUB
PASQUALONI: NO PAUL IS FUZZY BEAR CUB WOOF WOOF
GRAHAM: Dammit, that's not what your card says, Paul! Read it the right way already!
PASQUALONI: BEAR CUB NO READ JUST SIT IN MOMMA'S POUCH PHOTOSYNTHESIZING
GRAHAM: Jesus. Bobby, can you please get us on track again here?
UNLV HC BOBBY HAUCK: No problem, Todd. Let's see - "Behold, I am the King's Falconer, unworthy of name. I accompany my liege on the hunt and, with my trusty bird companion, gather small game for the feasting table, at which I am not welcome."
GRAHAM: Oh, and it comes with a special prop!
HAUCK: (pauses to think.) 10 points for Bird Calling, 10 for Disease Resistance, and 30 for Fuck This Bullshit Character.
HOKE: My turn my turn! "Beware, for I am the dread Goblin, known to mankind as...Fartemis. And I am a stupid turd and I smell and my face smells and - " hey, somebody changed this card!
(Fickell unsuccessfully stifles his laughter.)
GRAHAM: Knight Fickell, bear you any guilt for this crime? Swear by my sword if you do not!
FICKELL: No way, I swear, um, by the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, or whatever.
GRAHAM: The matter is settled. Fartemis! Please distribute your points.
HOKE: I'd like to put all of my points into Agility, please.
WYOMING HC DAVE CHRISTENSEN: Brady, that seems kind of stupid. Shouldn't you balance your character out a little, not be so one-dimensional?
HOKE: What? Why? I'm pretty sure if I just do one thing the best everything else won't really matter. And you guys call yourselves coaches.
GEORGIA HC MARK RICHT: Guys, as a Christian, I'm not really comfortable with this game. Wizards and goblins and what not - it all seems sort of pagan. Can't we just play "Good Samaritan?" I'll even let someone else clothe the leper!
GRAHAM: Mark, I know you're a man of faith, and trust me, buddy, I've got you covered. Just take a look at your character!
RICHT: "Peace be with you, for I am Marcus, the Holy Knight. Kindness is my sword and faith is my shield. I wander these lands tending to the sick and the needy, for every man, from the mightiest of kings to the poorest of beggars, is my brother." Wow, Todd, thanks. In the spirit of my character, I'd like to offer all of my character points to Coach Muschamp.
FLORIDA HC WILL MUSCHAMP: Damn, that's mighty generous of you, Mark. I will use those points gratefully, for I am..."the dark lord Naberius, eater of souls, commander of the demon army. Astride my hellbeast python I turn all that lays before me to ash, feasting on pain and anguish. As my arrows pierce the spleens of my enemies, they suffer the most awful death possible - the death of their faith."
MUSCHAMP: LET'S FUCKING DO THIS YOUR ASS IS MINE RICHT PREPARE TO BURN IN A SEA OF BOILING ACID FOR ALL ETERNITY
GRAHAM: Ok, Will, let's just wait for everyone else to get a turn. Darrell, why don't you go next?
KENT STATE HC DARRELL HAZELL: "Salaam! I am Abd al-Aziz, the Moorish prince from lands unknown! My foreign combat skills, learned in Arabi-" Todd, are you serious with this shit? Is this a fucking scimitar?
You know this is racist as fuck, right?
GRAHAM: Stay thy hand, friend! All characters in Castle Doomthorn are assigned at random! I - um - forsooth, Sir Mullen, we have yet to hear thy new identity!
MISSISSIPPI STATE HC DAN MULLEN: This shit is so damn stupid. I knew we should have just gone bowling. Fine, "I am Mullstrong, the Ironmonger. My weapons are forged in the blah blah blah" let's get this over with already.
GRAHAM: How do you elect to split your points, Mullstrong? You have 30 in total.
MULLEN: 30? I thought everyone was getting fifty?
BRILES: Dan, when's the last time you scored fifty points? Memphis doesn't count.
MULLEN: (gritting his teeth) Assholes.
TEXAS HC MACK BROWN: Alright, can we get to the real men now? I got shit to do today so I threw out the dumbass character you gave me - don't even know what a Paladin is anyhow - and made my own.
GAMACKTUS! Eater of Conferences! Unstoppable, baby!
SAN DIEGO STATE HC ROCKY LONG: Hey, no fair, I want to be a Conference-Eater!
SAN JOSE STATE HC MIKE MACINTYRE: Yeah, me too!
(The coaches become unruly, all claiming greater and more absurd powers.)
GRAHAM: FINE! Everyone can be an all powerful planet eating god! Are you happy now?!?!
PASQUALONI: NOPE BEAR CUB PAUL GONNA SWIM AWAY WITH HIS FRIENDS BUZZ BUZZ