College football is a living tapestry. Every day there is new important information to digest: recruiting news, conference realignment updates, the latest rumors about who'll coach where next year, and what bar in Garden City Stephen Garcia was arrested in last night. Some in the mainstream media have reacted as though today has been a particular dull/un-noteworthy news cycle. We beg to differ.
- Urban Meyer will be named the head coach of Ohio State in the same circumstances Jim Tressel was: bound, gagged, and under the influence of a CIA mind control agent called "Monarch."
- A group of influential Notre Dame boosters is pushing for Brian Kelly to be replaced by a well-known former NFL coach with strong ties to Pitt. We can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Artie Spottenweimer."
- Dana Holgorsen is no longer the seediest individual in Morgantown, WV. A Cheeto stained undershirt clad, pseudonym utilizing attorney who sleeps on his pool table and tends to all of Holgorsen's personal affairs is.
- Rumors are swirling that the NCAA is re-opening the Auburn investigation after receiving evidence that someone associated with the University paid Morgan Newton $75,000 not to enroll there.
- TCU is already planning to leave the Big 12 for the ACC, unless it rolls doubles a third consecutive time and is therefore forced to go straight to Jail.
- Bob Toledo's Green Wave were headed for greatness if only he'd never relieved himself on that Indian burial ground.
- The Big East will find salvation in the form of… Just kidding. The Big East is totally beyond saving.
- Brock Osweiler wears lifts and is always portrayed from carefully limited camera angles, as he is in fact 5'5".
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LSU will be forced to forfeit all of its wins this season when it is revealed that Jarrett Lee is actually a small cloud of superintelligent lake flies.
- Garrett Gilbert's hunt for a landing spot consists mostly of watching YouTube highlights of his late 2000's Texas High School championship with Rise Against blasting in the background.
- Robert Marve's hunt for a 6th season of eligibility has nothing to do with the time injury cost him but his quest to receive a law degree before graduation so he can finally exonerate Nevin Shapiro.
- UCLA is not firing Rick Neuheisel this season, but he will be kept on only as a figurehead, as all plays will be radioed in from a call center in Hyderabad.
- Lane Kiffin will leave USC at season's end to take over as the new head coach of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
- Jeff Tuel's season is potentially over not from something called "compartment syndrome" but rather a plague of nanorobots who've taken a liking to watching him waddle.
- Cliff Harris will be cited for riding a Segway into the neonatal wing of a hospital, despite his pleas that he "just wanted to feel alive."
- Case McCoy is not a 19 year old sophomore, but rather a 13 year-old boy who had a wish granted by a carnival fortune-telling machine.
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The man you know as Jesse Palmer is actually just a TalkBoy covered in barber hair and Van Heusen shirts.
- Brady Hoke. Brady Hoke. Brady Hoke. He will now appear the next time you're alone in a bathroom and cover you in chocolate syrup. You're on your own after that.
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June Jones has actually never coached a day in his life since taking the SMU job. He just sits and watches old VHS' of Dallas and has graduate assistants serve as his surrogate.
- Maryland's uniforms actually contain messages encoded in Magic Eye form, but they only describe various recipes for Weight Watchers friendly desserts.
- Everything Les Miles says is first translated using Babelfish into Mandarin Chinese then translated back into English before leaving his mouth. He is Steve Jobs' greatest gift to this world.
