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BETWEEN THE SYNAPSES: SAGARIN RANKINGS COMPUTER

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Heading into the second half of the season, the brain wave patterns of college football are frenzied indeed.  At Kansas State, theta waves, indicative of drowsiness or arousal in adults, are off the charts.  (Bill Snyder will never tell which.) (It's both.)  Beta wave measurements are impossible to track at USC, where the Trojans are showing signs of active, working brains just a week after muddling through a win at Cal.  Since the State Board of Medicine won't allow me to test out my E-Z-Bake EEG Home Kit, this week we turn to the Ultimate Mind, mechanical though it may be: Jeff Sagarin's computer.

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WELCOME TO SAGARIN RANKINGS VER. 1.7
**A BRØDERBUND PROGRAM**

PLEASE SELECT FROM THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS --

1)  GENERATE RANKINGS FOR CURRENT WEEK
2)  PLAY FALKEN'S MAZE
3)  GENERATE RANKINGS WITH BOISE STATE EXCLUSION FACTOR
4)  GENERATE PLAYOFF BRACKET (WARNING: THIS WILL UNINSTALL SAGARIN RANKINGS!)
5)  CHECK AMERICA ON-LINE HOURS REMAINING FOR MONTH

GENERATING RANKINGS FOR CURRENT WEEK...PLEASE WAIT...

PLEASE WAIT...

PLEASE WAIT...

PLEASE WAIT...

PLEASE WAIT...

RANKINGS COMPLETE.  VIEW OUTLIERS REPORT? (Y/N)

**SAGARIN RANKINGS OUTLIERS WEEK EIGHT**

AUBURN TIGERS - ELO_CHESS RANK 9
RANKING NECESSARY DUE TO SYSTEM BUTTHURT LIMITATIONS; PLEASE EXPAND BUTTHURT CAPACITY TO DROP AUBURN OUT OF TOP TEN

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SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS - ELO_CHESS RANKING 15
RANKING ASSIGNED AT RANDOM BY LOLPROBATION FUNCTION.  DISABLE LOLPROBATION?
ERROR: LOLPROBATION CANNOT BE DISABLED WHILE SYSTEM CLOCK IS SET TO YEAR=2011

STANFORD CARDINAL - ELO_CHESS RANKING 22
RANKING CORRUPTED BY "w1LL1ngh@msGHOST.bat" ANTIVIRUS UNABLE TO REMOVE

FLORIDA GATORS - ELO_CHESS RANKING 23
FILE "2011_OFFENSE.EXE" NOT FOUND, USING FILE "2008_OFFENSE.EXE" AS DEFAULT

**PLEASE INSERT FLOPPY DISC NUMBER 2**

HOUSTON COUGARS - ELO_CHESS RANKING 28
RANKING CO-ORDERED BY BCS CHAIRMAN/BRENT MUSBERGER'S BOOKIE

NORTH CAROLINA - ELO_CHESS RANKING 35
**SAGARIN RANKINGS AUTOMATICALLY ENTERS SLEEP MODE FOR ACC TEAMS; PLEASE GO TO FILE -> PREFERENCES -> DULL CONFERENCES TO CHANGE**

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ILLINOIS FIGHTIN ILLINI - ELO_CHESS RANKING 50
TEAM NOT COMPATIBLE WITH SAGARIN RANKINGS VER. 1.7
PLEASE OPEN SKI_FREE.EXE TO USE TEAM

WOFFORD TERRIERS - ELO_CHESS RANKING 57
SEE NEXT ENTRY FOR RANKING EXPLANATION

IOWA HAWKEYES - ELO_CHESS RANKING 62
"SPITEIOWA" IS SET TO Y

UCLA BRUINS - ELO_CHESS RANKING 70
PLEASE INSERT NEW COACH