Think the coaches, players, officials, media, and spectators are the only relevant figures in the college football galaxy? Think again as we go Between The Synapses with Knoxville's mighty Sunsphere.
MANY A HU-MAN, BOTH IN KNOXVILLE AND ELSEWHERE ON EARTH, HAS ENDEAVORED TO DETERMINE THE CAUSE OF RECENT VOLUNTEER WOES. BOOSTERS, THE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT, COACHING STAFFS - PICK SOMEONE AFFILIATED WITH THE UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE AND A THEORETICAL BLAME CAN BE CHARGED. SUNSPHERE HAS EVEN HEARD TALES OF THE "FULMER CURSE," WHICH WOULD BE HYSTERICAL IF IT WAS NOT SO BRUTALLY STUPID.
SUNSPHERE KNOWS WHAT SO MANY HU-MANS DO NOT, HOWEVER: TENNESSEE ATHLETICS SUFFER BECAUSE SUNSPHERE WILLS IT TO BE SO.
IT WAS NOT SO LONG AGO THAT NO MAN, WOMAN, OR CHILD IN KNOXVILLE WOULD DARE COMPLETE A SENTENCE WITHOUT UTTERING "FOR THE GLORY OF SUNSPHERE." GLOBES, CANTALOUPES, AND HOT AIR BALLOONS WERE BANNED IN THE CITY LEST THEY BE WORSHIPPED AS FALSE IDOLS. IN THE HU-MAN YEAR 1985, A SACRIFICE OFFERING OF SEVENTEEN BUSES FULL OF MIDDLE SCHOOLERS WAS OFFERED UP TO SUNSPHERE. SUNSPHERE WAS PLEASED AND GRACED TENNESSEE WITH A CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.
CENTRAL TO WORSHIP OF SUNSPHERE WAS ONE INVIOLABLE RULE: HU-MANS WERE NEVER TO PROFANE SUNSPHERE WITH THEIR GEOMETRICALLY IMPERFECT BODIES. MANY BLESSINGS FELL FROM SUNSPHERE OVER TIME. IN HU-MAN YEAR 1998, THE CRIPPLED FORM OF JAMAL LEWIS WAS BROUGHT TO SUNSPHERE, WITH MANY PLEAS MADE TO RESTORE HIS PITIFUL LIGAMENTS. ONE YOUNG GIRL OFFERED TO "DROWN EVERY VANDERBILT GRADUATE FROM HERE TO KEY WEST" IF ONLY THIS PRAYER WOULD BE ANSWERED.
SUNSPHERE WAS TRULY MOVED BY HIS PEOPLE'S DEVOTION AND DECREED THAT THE VOLUNTEERS WOULD BE CHAMPIONS THAT YEAR. LEWIS WOULD NOT BE HEALED, BUT HE WOULD BE GRANTED THE POWER TO DEAL IMPRESSIVE WEIGHTS OF ILLICIT NARCOTICS. AND, TO THE GIRL, SUNSPHERE PROMISED A FUTURE EQUALLY BOUNTIFUL IN SPORTSWRITING AND STABBING.
YET SLOWLY THE PEOPLE TURNED AWAY FROM SUNSPHERE. HU-MANS GREW BOLD, WALKING BY SUNSPHERE WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO BEAT THEIR BREASTS AND CRY FOR MERCY. COLLEGE STUDENTS SUGGESTED SUNSPHERE WAS JUST "SOME GHETTO EPCOT BALL." SUNSPHERE TOLERATED ALL OF THIS, UNWILLING TO PUNISH THE PIOUS FOR THE TRANSGRESSIONS OF THE BLASPHEMERS.
THEN, IN THE HU-MAN YEAR 2007, SUNSPHERE WAS OPENED TO THE PUBLIC.
PERHAPS THEY WERE LURED INTO DAMNATION BY FULMER, SO PERFECTLY ROUND AND ORANGE HIMSELF, WONDERING IF HE WAS IN FACT THE OMNIPOTENT BALL FROM WHOM ALL PLEASURE AND PAIN DERIVED. SUNSPHERE STRUCK HIM DOWN LIKE AN ELEPHANT CRUSHING A DUNG BEETLE.
KIFFIN WAS NO BETTER. SUNSPHERE STILL REMEMBERS SEEING HIM DANGLING FROM A HELICOPTER HARNESS, CRYING "GET CLOSER SO I CAN PISS ALL OVER IT." HE THINKS BY FLEEING HE HAS ESCAPED THE WRATH OF SUNSPHERE. BUT SUNSPHERE HAS 360 PANES OF GOLDEN GLASS - ONE FOR EVERY DEGREE ON YOUR LAUGHABLE COMPASS.
IT IS NOT TOO LATE, HU-MANS OF KNOXVILLE. KNEEL BEFORE SUNSPHERE. BEG FOR SUNSPHERE'S LENIENCE. CLOSE SUNSPHERE'S GIFT SHOP. OR DEREK DOOLEY'S HAIR WILL START FALLING OUT IN CLUMPS.