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THE DELAY IN RICH RODRIGUEZ'S FIRING EXPLAINED

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2:00 p.m., December 4th, 2011. The offices of Michigan football in Ann Arbor, MI.

DAVE BRANDON opens the door to his office. RICH RODRIGUEZ ENTERS.

Brandon: Rich, please sit down. Wait, what's--

Rodriguez: Before you say anything, I have something to give you. Come in, Greg.

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Robinson: I'm narma gitchee kanna won. Yay litesboarding. Candy? Candy Gurg-a wanna.

Brandon: I explicitly told you not to bring anyone else here, Rich.

Rodriguez: I know, but I just want you to know how much I value this job. 

Brandon. It's too late for that, Rich. Please get him out of here. The last time he was here he set my drapes on fire.

Rodriguez: It's never too late. I want to show you. With my hands.

Robinson: Numma litesboarding licka wallrag a frame. Frame bunring Gurg nand.

Brandon: Wait, I don't think this is necessary.

With the switftness of a linebacker hitting the hole, Rodriguez seizes Greg Robinson by the throat and begins choking him.

Robinson: NURRRM AAHHHGGGHHS GURG PEXPLAIN AGGHHDGG---

Brandon: Rich, please, I know how hard this has been. 

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Rodriguez: Be honest. Do you really want me to stop?

Brandon's mind flashes to a single image.

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Brandon: You know I'm still going to fire you, right?

Rodriguez: Oh, yeah. But I'll keep going if you want. 

Robinson: AKGCCCCKKKKKKKK TILL GURG MAKE KNEEFENSE WIF BUTTER SKUFFED NANIMALS AKKCKKDHHHH---

Brandon pauses. Then, he shifts his weight from one leg to another and nods.

Brandon: We'll move the players' meeting back. I know a place we can dump the body.  

Rodriguez: Syracuse? HAHAHAHA!

Brandon: Not a jury alive there that would convict us!

THEY LAUGH.

Brandon: No, but seriously, I was just going to take it out to Dantonio's place. If there's anyone in Michigan who's got a bathtub and enough quicklime to dissolve a human body, it's him.

Rodriguez: Well, duh.