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A SEMI-OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

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Godzilla, seen here "maximizing brand value."
Godzilla, seen here "maximizing brand value."

[via #LonghornTrollgaze]

FROM THE DESK OF THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

We don't know what the problem is here: after all, all Texas wants to do is maximize their brand value, and the Longhorn Network is just one more way to do that. Sounds like someone's got a little problem with capitalism, eh Comrade Reveille? Say, Reveille...ain't that a French word? Sounds like SOMEONE's got some divided loyalties, PIerre. But it's not like you're training your own private army to start a socialist revolution...oh my god.

[calls DHS and the FBI]

The programming that we propose for the Longhorn Network is far from recruiting fodder. If anything, the Longhorn Network is going to be yet another way that the University of Texas-Austin can reach out to the public in its effort to provide continuing education for the people of the great state of Texas and beyond. 

How could any of these be harmful?

DEEP STRETCHING WITH THE TEXAS POM SQUAD. The nation's tide of obesity has to be turned at one point, and what better way to lead than by using the Texas Pom Squad to spread the message of fitness. An additional message about the importance of our environment is included by having the Pom Squad stretch beneath waterfalls, on beaches, and by the beautiful rivers of our state.

Running this show for three hours each morning and afternoon isn't a recruiting gimmick: it's a life-saving message to our youth.

MONEY-COUNTING WITH MACK BROWN. Our children's show with Mack Brown counting hundred dollar bills is our way to put the "fun" back in "fundamental mathematics."  Rhythmic gymnasts model swimwear in the background to further emphasize our network-wide focus on personal fitness.

LONGHORN PILLOWFIGHT CHALLENGE. Another way we've found of combining physical fitness with entertainment. Broadcast live from the Kinsolving Dorm For Women, actual Longhorn students will attempt to best each other in the increasingly popular but safe sport of pillow-fighting! If we can get just one more young woman a day to engage in this confidence-building activity, we've won the future for our children.

BALLIN' WITH CEDRIC BENSON. Our lifestyle show featuring the convivial Longhorn running back. Simply to highlight the cultural opportunities on the Texas campus, including our vibrant but safe nightlife that both athletes and regular students enjoy! Any nudity is purely accidental, and as in documentary style will not be censored.

'HORNS. Our inaugural drama. Follow the adventures of 24 young men as they receive football scholarships from the fictional University of BigState, and then follow along as every fantasy, whim, and need they have is satisfied. An important parable about youth, choices, and success, and full of messages we think our youth need to hear today more than ever.

JORDAN SHIPLEY'S SPANKTIME WITH JORDAN SHIPLEY. We'll admit, we don't actually know what this show is besides Jordan spanking a giggling young woman in elaborate lingerie, but the numbers for it with test audiences have been through the ROOF.

WILD GAY MUTANT RATS OF COLLEGE STATION. Our gripping 129-part expose on the scourge of mutant rats currently running and controlling the metropolitan area of College Station, Texas. A story that every parent needs to hear, and facts every citizen must hear.

How any of this qualifies as "recruiting" we'll never know, but some places just have a different definition of reality than others.

Sincerely, 

 

Quentin McGrath the 4th

Spokesperson

University of Texas-Austin