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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/18/2011

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WE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO SOUTH BEND.  Offensive/defensive line prospect Chase Hounshell, a Florida commit initially, switched via Twitter and announced he was headed to South Bend to play for Notre Dame. Look, Chase! They've already made a video for you!

They may not be addressing you, but that's about what it's like. Enjoy your blizzards and sleeping in the safe quadrant of the mutant wasteland of northern Indiana. If that fence comes down and the locals stumble through, just remember: no matter what they look like, they're not human, even the ones you might know. Aim for the head with a shovel or a machete because they require no reloading, and for god's sake don't get outflanked or you're on your own.

BUT LET'S BE SANE. Remember, the only people you should hate in recruiting are your rival's coaches, who of course are toting stacks of hundreds in the linings of their jackets and bribing families left and right. The kids should be off limits until they make a particularly detestable announcement on tv, like when Terrelle Pryor ripped his Ohio State hat from the stomach of a still-live deer live on ESPN. (Pryor's response: "Everyone steals, everyone eviscerates a live deer on television.") The deer was sold for $1,500 on EBay, but all evidence was turned into delicious venison sausage before NCAA investigators could verify claims of improper benefits.

YEAHHH UNKLE LUKE ROCKIN' OPELIKA. We promise this is not just a gag we made to get a group of Auburn fans to show up for an event that doesn't exist. The $50 VIP package better include a Trooper Taylor Home Game Kit (includes towel, backwards hat, and collection plate for untraceable "church donations".)

WHITHER NORM CHOW? The rumored move to Utah is anything but done yet, though he's most likely just in some kind of contractual limbo between UCLA and the Utes at the moment. If anything we want to see Chow return and be successful.

DID YOU GUYS KNOW THERE'S NO PLAYOFF FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL? Whenever we read another chapter in Mark Cuban's ongoing plan to overhaul college football's postseason it feels like a perpetual freshman year discovery cycle.

Cuban: Did you know they stock up on cupcakes to influence rankings, man?

You: Yes. They've been doing it for years.

Cuban: That's not fair, man! Someone should change this shit!

You, while making wanking motion: That should be you, man!

Cuban: Did you also know capital doesn't really look after anything but itself? There's people, and there's capital, and their interests aren't always aligned? IT'S THE SYSTEM DUDE.

It's 3:00 a.m., Mark won't leave the dorm room, and we're not even high enough to properly enjoy this conversation and there's no delivery pizza in sight. BOOOOOO.

PLEASE SEE NEW BANNER. The Michigan clans graphic is amusing enough, but please see the excellence of MGoBlog's new banner for real genius. If we were a Michigan fan we'd hate everything, too. At least Alabama fans are monotheistically obsessed; Michigan fans are split between worship of a dead guy, a might-as-well-have-coached-dead guy, and rank anarchists. That kind of polytheism is both confusing and irritating, and not in the fun way like an episode of Tim and Eric.

 

BE READY TO RUN LOTS OF SPRINTS AND DO LOTS OF CLEANS. Not that that isn't totally standard at this point for most football programs, but the hiring of strength coach Ronnie McKeefery likely means loads of high-intensity training for the Vols, so prepare for mass vomiting in the offseason conditioning regimen. McKeefery just spent a year revamping the Special Forces' training, so if nothing else Tennessee should have an advantage in games requiring knife fights and HALO jumps into the backfield. (The paratrooper blitz: NO ONE SEES IT COMING.)