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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/14/2011

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MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. On the first Friday of the offseason, bleak Minneapolis  post-punk makes as much sense as anything else.

WHO CAN TURN THE WORLD ON WITH A SMILE? Cam Newton, whose smile and mutant 6'5", 250 pound assassin-panther frame and catapult of an arm should be more than enough to convince NFL scouts that he is not Jamarcus Russell with a better diet and without a Lean habit. Newton announced that he will begin his professional career and enter the NFL draft, stunning bystanders who assmed he had long since become a professional at Auburn. As thrilled as Auburn fans are to have won a national title with an athletic, brilliantly agile quarterback of astonishing size and power, some part of them looks wistfully backwards toward the past and whispers: "Oh, where have you gone Daniel Cobb?"

BULLSHIT ODDS ARE BULLSHIT. We don't trust any list of odds that doesn't include a flyer on Texas State for national championship odds. Not only is Dennis Franchione there holding the rope for everyone now, but new QB Paul Blake is really underrated and never seem to click with former coach Ed Gennero's pro-style attack.

WILL HILL'S KIDS NEED FEEDING SO AU REVOIR SIR. We knew Will Hill had "kids," but we didn't know it was like "three of them." Will Hill is off to the draft and not taking classes, so now we can begin compiling the "Will Hill's Epic Twitter Feed Greatest Hits" post we have been waiting on for over a year.

HOW WILL THEY CONGEAL? OH PROBABLY LIKE THE FINE ELEMENTS OF A FATTY AND DELICIOUS TERRINE. The parts of the Gator offense for new offensive coordinator and noted gourmand Charlie Weis are disparate parts bearing some similarity to other things he's worked with: that's the summary of this piece in short, with John Brantley being mentioned as a rebuilding project along the lines of his previous work with Matt Cassel. If Weis can somehow rebuild the shattered remnants of John Brantley's soul into something resembling a productive quarterback, he really would then become some kind of rehab genius, because the reason Brantley is taking so long to decide if he's going to transfer or not is because we're all still looking for this piece the instructions say we need to finish reassembling his shattered person.

THE ELECTRICITY OF PAUL PASQUALONI FEEL IT!!! UConn goes young for their replacement for Randy Edsall. (UConn's hiring committee is run exclusively by old Yankee vampires, so this qualifies as young.)

HE SEEMS HAPPY OVER THIS. San Diego State alum and former NFL lineman Kyle Turley texted "Fuck you" to Brady Hoke after he left SDSU for Michigan. He also didn't understand why someone would leave SDSU for Michigan. These two short sentences contain a lot you need to know about Kyle Turley, who is now attempting a music career in Nashville.