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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 9/9/2010

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SEE? THAT'S SHOWER DISCIPLINE. The Derek Dooley shower discipline session didn't look like this, but it should have. 

"See, proper soaping, boys, but first flex and firmly clasp another man round the neck on the way in, but not in an overly homosexual manner. Then, as you proceed through the second verse, continue soaping but lose NO FOCUS in the singing. Your prancing equipment manager will take all towels in order to prevent possible bacterial infections from spreading through towel re-use. Do not slow down in dressing into clean clothes; proceed briskly to the dance number, and make sure you are wearing jeans so tight a good sneeze sends at least one testicle hurtling into your abdominal cavity, where it may not descend for several months. THEN DANCE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT." 

One can only hope such attention to detail in the field of hygiene leads to victory, but let this be known: no matter how the Derek Dooley era ends, it will be in a clean, sanitary fashion with little risk of pesky staph infections. Derek Dooley Shower Discipline Session is also the name of the most disturbing Asian pornography ever, and yes you just pictured it and you're welcome. 

WELL, OF COURSE YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO WIN. And they might, though Skip Holtz is right: if you lose a 39-38 overtime game with Florida, you should be pissed because you let what appears to be a wretched Florida offense score 39 points on your defense, and in our current state that really would be inexcusable. Voodoo Five has a parley with Alligator Army on the upcoming game that will make us sweat blood for well over three quarters if we're lucky, and in it AA notes an important trio of possible returns in OLs Carl Johnson and Xavier Nixon as well as the return of Will Hill.  

And of course Pat Dooley thinks Gator fans want Steve Addazio's head, which is untrue and misses the finer points of any accusations hurled his way. Addazio is a fine offensive line coach, a great recruiter, and did in fact hold the program together in Urban Meyer's absence. We don't want his head, it's just that we don't want his head sewed to the offensive play-calling, which has been less spread 'n shred and more Northwestern '98 for well over a year now. Northwestern '98 was awesome in its day, but it's 2010 and the last time we saw the Gator offense in its inventive, confusing glory it was working in Starkville, not in Gainesville.   

It hasn't caught up with us yet, but it will, and the numbers bear that out thus far. (And citing the FSU, UGA, and Cincy games is a canard, since all three defenses were horrid.) 

SPEAKING OF STARKVILLE: They're doing a fine job of welcoming Cam Newton for their game against Auburn tonight. 

YOU COMPLETE AND TOTAL DICK. Thanks for the holding call, asshole, since it only cost the dude a car, but even then that doesn't really top the factual but still painful quote from North Dakota State coach Craig Bohl regarding their upcoming game against Northern Iowa. 

I think the environment that we're going to play in Cedar Falls is going to be much more of a hostile environment than Memorial Stadium in Kansas. That was pretty docile," Bohl said. "And the type of team that we're going to be playing is going to be a much more physical, aggressive football team than KU. And quite frankly I think we're going to be playing a better opponent. I know one school is in the Big 12 and the other one is in the Missouri Valley. I think that gives an indication on how we see Missouri Valley play and the respect we give Northern Iowa."

If you'd like to listen to an actual Jayhawk fan call in after this loss like a man, you can listen to the replay of EDSBS Live from last night here, where Pete Jayhawk boldly faces the world after watching his team lose 6-3 to NDSU. Well done, Pete.  

WHAT'S YOUR NAME MISTER NO REALLY WHAT IS IT OKAY DON'T GET SMART NOW. FSU's Mister Alexander was arrested for driving without a license, and Abbott and Costello antics in the conversation with the policeman surely ensued.